


The Actor

by charliewrites



Series: The Snowboarder and the Actor [2]
Category: Lovely Little Losers, Nothing Much to Do
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-05
Updated: 2016-05-16
Packaged: 2018-06-06 12:55:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 25,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6754747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charliewrites/pseuds/charliewrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Balthazar is back in Wellington and runs into an old flame.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Discovery

**Author's Note:**

> Here it is. The beginning of part two. Hope you like it!
> 
> Oh, and I slipped in my favourite line from 'The Way I Tend to Be' by Frank Turner, because it's just so beautiful - both the song and the line.

It was fucking boiling. This was the reason Balthazar spent every January and most of February in cold, snowy Norway, teaching children how to snowboard; New Zealand was too fucking hot in the summer. It was like hell had opened up beneath them and was letting all the heat seep out for them to melt in. Beads of sweat were already rolling down his neck, and he’d only been outside for a couple of minutes.

He’d never been a fan of sun, and even less of heat; he liked it when he could regulate the temperature by putting on a jumper and drinking tea. His favourite moment was when he’d been outside in the snow all day – whether that was teaching or just having fun in his own time – and he came inside, rosy cheeks and that tiredness that only came from being outside in nature, and settled in the sofa with a cup of hot chocolate or tea, and his guitar. Heat and sun meant that he couldn’t wear his jumpers without dying of heat stroke, and drinking hot drinks was just unpleasant. 

Walking from the flat to the university was excruciating, and he stopped at a vendor, in the park he always cut through, to get an ice coffee. How was it already that hot out when it wasn’t even 9am yet? He was really regretting that he’d put an open button-down over his T-shirt, and contemplated whether or not he should just take it off and put it in his book bag. 

He heaved a sigh of relief and welcomed the air-conditioned lecture hall. For a few seconds he just stood right in the path of the cold air being blown out, before he found a seat on the far side, putting his phone on silent. The group chat he had with the other instructors from the hotel in Norway had been going off almost non-stop since he’d left a week and a half ago. And he got individual messages from each of them at least once a day as well, asking if he was doing okay. 

It was nice of them to care, and they’d been an amazing support system when Peter the Dickhead had broken his heart, but the constant messages just reminded him of what had happened, and he really just wanted to move on now. Besides, it was ridiculous that he was still thinking about it; it had just been a short four day fling that had ended horribly. 

Still, whenever his mind wandered even a little bit, he could hear Peter saying his name, feel his lips on his, and if he was feeling really low, he’d even catch himself catching the scent of Peter in a crowded place. 

He texted Kit; he needed to talk to someone about it who hadn’t seen it happening. He’d kept it inside since he’d woken up to that awful note. His colleagues had sensed that his mood had shifted dramatically, but he hadn’t felt up to talking about it just yet. Now, though, he could feel that he _had to_ if he expected to be able to concentrate on anything. 

The lecture started just as Kit replied that he could stop by Boyet’s at any time as always. Because it was the first lecture of the year, basically all they did was go through the syllabus and exam form. Balthazar had hoped that getting back into studying would make him forget about his broken heart, but halfway through the lecture he realised that that was unlikely. 

‘Yes, do you have a question?’ the lecturer asked, calling on a blond guy who sat toward the middle and a few rows in front of the one Balthazar was on. 

‘Yeah’ the voice made Balthazar freeze. It couldn’t be. Peter had said he was from Auckland. There was no way he was in that lecture hall. ‘It says we’re supposed to hand in a group assignment, which will count as a third of our grade; will you be assigning the groups or is that something we’ll have to do among ourselves?’

‘You’ll be doing that yourselves’ the lecturer replied, going into a more detailed explanation as to why, but Balthazar didn’t register what she was saying. He was too busy staring at that bit of blond hair that was the only part of the guy, he could see. 

He had to be imagining things, right? The universe could not possibly hate him that much. It was just because he’d been thinking about the whole Peter-thing that he’d heard the guy’s voice as _his_. 

When the lecture ended, Balthazar stayed seated for a moment, trying to gauge at the guy who’d asked the question, but someone bumped into him and he got distracted, and by the time he looked up, the guy was gone. 

-

‘Wow’ Kit said when Balthazar was done telling his story. They were at one of the corner tables – their usual spot – at Boyet’s, and Kit was on break from his job as a barista there. He’d been waiting with Balthazar’s usual coffee and a brownie when Balthazar had arrived after his lecture. ‘It doesn’t add up, though’

‘Which part?’ Balthazar asked with a humourless laugh. ‘The part where I fell in love with a guy I hardly knew, or the part where I slept with him after only a few days and before I’d set any boundaries?’

He hadn’t mentioned Peter by name; not because he didn’t want to, but because he couldn’t make himself say it. He’d tried a few times, but his breathing had strained by the mere expectation of his mouth saying that name. Not that it mattered what his name was. That name had been ruined for him, though. For a few days in January, it had been his favourite name in the world. But now...

‘No, those parts actually make sense; it’s true that you don’t fall in love all that often, but when you do you give it your all – just think of the whole Damien situation – and you’re a bit of a hopeless romantic so I’m assuming you just got swept up in the emotions of it all. What I don’t get is the way the guy acted. It sounds like he liked you as much as you liked him, so why would he leave it the way he did?’

Balthazar groaned and hid his face in his hands. ‘I don’t know. I thought he liked me, too. But he was obviously just waiting for me to… I don’t know, give it up or whatever’

‘It sounds to me like there’s some miscommunication going on here’ Kit said, shaking his head. 

‘You don’t say’ Balthazar said sarcastically. 

‘No, I mean, I think he might have had his reasons for just leaving like that’ Kit said. ‘I’m not saying that it wasn’t an awful thing to do, but maybe you should call him and talk about it’

Balthazar just looked at him for a moment. ‘You can’t be serious’

‘I am, though’ Kit said, leaning back in his seat. 

‘No.’ Balthazar shook his head vigorously. ‘For one, it’s been over a month, and for another, I’m not g-‘ He cut himself off at the sound of a familiar laughter. ‘Ugh!’

‘What?’ Kit asked, frowning in concern. 

‘I just- I can hear his voice _all the time_ , it’s driving me insane. Like, I thought I heard him ask a question at the lecture earlier, and on the plane back from Norway last week, I was _convinced_ he was seated a few rows behind me. Even now, it’s like I can hear his laughter, like he’s sitting in here’

Kit looked around the shop. ‘Well, the only people who look like they’re laughing are Freddie and Peter over there’

For the second time that day, Balthazar froze. ‘What did you just say?’

‘Freddie and Peter; they’re sitting by the window, just there’ Kit said, pointing over Balthazar’s shoulder. 

Balthazar’s pulse was racing, and his hands were shaking as he turned to look in the direction which Kit had pointed in. By the window was Freddie, Kit’s girlfriend, and she was laughing at something with none other than _Peter the Dickhead_. His eyes went wide, and his chest felt unbelievably tight. His head snapped back to look at Kit so fast he was worried for a second he might get a whiplash. 

‘No’ Kit said after a moment, realisation on his face. ‘You’re kidding’

Balthazar swallowed and shook his head. ‘I need to get out of here’

‘Okay, take a deep breath first. Do you want me to do anything? Do you want him to know that I know you?’ Kit asked, but Balthazar shook his head violently. 

‘No, don’t do anything, don’t mention me, don’t let him know that you know. I don’t want to talk to him’ Balthazar said quietly, but quickly. ‘Fuck, I’ll have to find another place now, don’t I?’

‘Balth, don’t be dramatic; they’re only here because I’m taking Freddie to see a show after my shift. Usually, they hang out at his or our flat. You’ll be fine’ Kit said. ‘You really should talk to him, though’

‘Yeah, nah, that’s not happening. I’ll text you later’ Balthazar said before he swiftly left and didn’t pause until he got to the door to his flat, and that was only because he needed to stop to unlock the door. As soon as it was open, he went straight down the hall to his room. 

He threw himself onto his bed, face first, and screamed into his pillow. So the universe _did_ hate him. Good to know. This semester might end up being the most stressful yet, and it had only just started that day. On the bright side, he wasn’t going crazy. That was the only bright side as far as he could see, though.

The sight of Peter sitting at Boyet’s, laughing with Freddie, hurt him more than he’d thought seeing him again would. He’d looked so happy, and that was what hurt, because Balthazar was utterly miserable, and he’d kind of hoped that Peter would be too. Or at least that he’d know what a horrible person he was. 

Then again, the way he’d been in the one second that Balthazar had seen him today was how he’d been in Norway as well. He’d been smiling and laughing and _happy_. And then he’d just disappeared, leaving behind nothing but a sweater and that god-awful note, as soon as he’d gotten what he’d wanted. And Balthazar had just handed it to him on a silver platter, because he’d been under the ridiculous delusion that Peter felt the same as he did. He’d been convinced that those tender kisses and small smiles had been genuine. How wrong he’d been. 

‘You okay, Balth?’ Paige’s voice came from the hallway. In his frustration, he’d forgotten to close his bedroom door. He could feel her sitting down beside him on the bed. ‘Please tell me you’re not already stressing out about school’

Balthazar shook his head, his face still buried in the pillow.

‘Boy troubles, then?’ she asked, a hand settling on his back. Her touch always calmed him down somehow. He could feel his shoulders relaxing a little, though not completely. 

Balthazar nodded into his pillow. The darkness was soothing. Maybe he could just stay like that forever, never to come out again. 

‘How is that even possible? You literally came back to Welly yesterday after being away for over two months’ she said, and he could hear that she was trying not to laugh. He couldn’t blame her. He’d probably be laughing if the roles were reversed. ‘You want to talk about it?’ she asked, when he didn’t say anything, just buried his face further into the pillow in an attempt to disappear. He considered it for a moment. Was he really up for telling the story again? 

Sighing, he sat up and faced her. As much as he didn’t want to think about it, he didn’t want to keep all f this from her. Next to Kit, Paige was his best friend, and since Peter was apparently not going to stay in his past, he might as well fill her in.


	2. The Cat

For the next few weeks, Balthazar had two objectives: get on top of his school work and avoid Peter. Simple as that. 

The first objective was going well so far. He buried himself in his school work, finding excuses whenever his friends asked him to go out. The library practically became his second home for a while. Sleep was sparse, but he usually caught that up on Sundays, and if not, coffee was a magical beverage as far as he was concerned. 

The avoiding Peter part was going less well. Kit had been right about him not having to worry about Boyet’s, and despite continuing to tell Balthazar to talk to Peter, Kit would always warn him if Peter was there. For the lecture that they shared, Balthazar quickly learned that Peter arrived at the last minute and just sat in a free seat, so Balthazar made sure to arrive early and sitting down on one of the rows that were bound to be filled up first. But he was constantly paranoid that Peter was just going to show up at Boyet’s or sit down next to him in the library, so he began spending a lot more time in his room. 

By the end of March, Paige started expressing her concerns with the way he was handling his work/play ratio. He noticed that she was making an effort for him to be a part of the things that she was doing – particularly the play she and Chelsey were a part of.

To his knowledge, they were the same company as when they’d done _Doctor Faustus_ in the spring, but he couldn’t be sure, because he hadn’t had a chance to go and see it – the reason being that they only performed it once, and that had been the day after he’d left for Auckland for Christmas. 

Paige and Chelsey’s cat, George, had also started wandering into his room more and more. Chelsey was convinced that he could sense stress, and Balthazar was beginning to think that she was right, because George always wandered into his room when he was the most frustrated, and jumped onto his lap or laying down on his papers.

He was working on a history assignment in his room one afternoon, crumpling up the paper and throwing it across the room in frustration when George came wandering in and jumped onto his lap, lying down and making himself comfortable. 

‘I don’t know if I can make it through another semester of this, George,’ he said, petting the cat absentmindedly. George purred. 

On the desk, his phone buzzed, the wood amplifying the sound, making him jump a little. 

Paige Moth:  
 _I’ve forgotten some of the sheet music for the play, and Costa needs it ASAP. Could you go find it in my room and bring it to the rehearsal space for me?_

He knew what she was trying to do. She was trying to lure him out of his “cave” as she’d called it a few days earlier. George meowed; it seemed Balthazar had stopped petting him.

‘Sorry,’ he mumbled and started petting him again. 

Looking down at the text, he bit his lip and thought it over. Maybe a bit of fresh air could help him sort out his thoughts on this assignment. Besides, his friend was asking for help, and since when did he not help his friends?

‘Time to get up, buddy,’ he said, lifting George off of his lap and onto the floor. George looked at him like he was terribly offended – or maybe that was something Balthazar was imagining. ‘Sorry.’

Balthazar:  
 _Where in your room is it?_

Paige and Chelsey’s room was neat so the text was probably not necessary, but he didn’t want to mess up her room in case he couldn’t find the sheets. His phone buzzed in his hand.

Paige Moth:  
 _They should be on my desk! We’re in the theatre building on campus. I’ll meet you outside._

Even though the weather had cooled down in the last few weeks, it was still warm, and the breeze that blew across his face once in a while was more than welcome. The playground at the park was full of children playing and their parents talking among themselves around the edges. He made sure to breathe in the clean air and listen to the sound of carefree children’s laughter. 

As promised, Paige was standing outside the theatre building when he got there. She led him inside to the rehearsal space that they were using. When they got there, though, it was empty. 

‘Um, where is everyone?’ Balthazar asked, frowning in confusion. They sat down by the piano, and Balthazar handed her the sheet music. 

‘Costa wanted to rehearse a scene that takes place in heaven, and he wanted to do it as close to the sky as possible so he took everyone to the roof,’ Paige explained casually, while she looked through the sheets for the number she wanted. 

‘Oh, wow,’ Balthazar mumbled, raising his eyebrows. 

‘Yeah, he wanted me to come, too, but I was allowed to stay here because I was waiting for you to come with this,’ she said and held up the sheets. ‘Aha, here it is.’

She pulled out a number that Balthazar remembered her working on a few days earlier; she’d found it frustrating, if he remembered correctly. She started playing it, and Balthazar closed his eyes, letting the music wash over him. It was beautiful, and he couldn’t help but hum along. Without thinking, he kept going when she stopped. When he noticed that the music had stopped, he opened his eyes to see Paige staring at him with her mouth hanging open.

‘I’ve been looking for a way to finish the chorus for weeks, and you literally just came up with the perfect melody – can I use it?’ Paige asked, picking up a pencil.

‘Yeah, sure,’ Balthazar said with a shrug and watched her work for a few minutes. This was one of the things he loved most about going to university: he was surrounded by like-minded, passionate people, not like in high school where most people just did the bare minimum to get through the day. He remembered wishing for a friend like Paige when he was in Year 12 and had been put in charge of organising a set list for the spring concert. 

‘Would you mind looking over this one as well?’ she asked and handed him the sheet for a different song.

‘Oh yeah, I looked at it on my way over here, actually. Why is it all in minor?’ he asked, confused. ‘It doesn’t fit the lyrics at all.’

‘I know, Costa had a bit of a vision for that one. He wanted it to be a “lying” song - his words, by the way. Like, happy lyrics, sad melody. I’ve been wanting to change it but I don’t know how,’ she sighed and slumped a little in her seat. 

Balthazar chewed on his lower lip while he thought it over. Then he put his hands on the keys and tried playing what was in his head. It took a few tries, but eventually, the music he heard in his head was filling the room. Paige started singing the lyrics, and Balthazar felt completely at ease for the first time in a very long time.

‘That is _perfect_ ,’ said a voice from the doorway to Balthazar’s right when they’d finished the song. It was a guy with dark hair who was wearing a toga for some reason. He had his hands folded, his fingers pressed to his lips, and he looked like he was about to start crying. ‘It’s the song for Brianna, isn’t it?’

‘Yeah, Balth’s just helping me with it,’ Paige said, perking up in her seat. Oh, no. He needed to come up with an excuse, because otherwise she was going to get him roped into helping with the music for the entire production, and he wasn’t sure he’d be able to do that. ‘Balthazar, this is Costa – our director – and Costa, this is my flat mate and best friend, Balthazar.’

‘Very nice to meet you, Balthazar!’ Costa said, striding across the room to him, and shook his hand. 

‘Yeah, you too,’ Balthazar nodded with a polite smile. He’d spent the last semester hearing story after unbelievable story about Costa the Director whenever Paige and Chelsey had come home from a _Faustus_ rehearsal. It was a bit strange to be able to put a face to the name. 

‘Balthazar!’ Chelsey said when she entered the room, running over and hugging him. She may be a little special, but she knew how to make Balthazar feel loved. When she’d hugged him, she kissed Paige on the cheek and sat down in a chair beside her. 

They played Costa the songs that they’d revised while they’d sat there, Balthazar playing the piano and Paige singing, because she knew the lyrics by heart and he’d only just come up with the music. He was playing the outro to the “Brianna song” as Costa was calling it, when-

‘Holy shit!’

Balthazar’s entire body tensed up in such a way that resulted in him basically key-smashing. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Then another. 

_This is not happening. This is so not happening_ , Balthazar thought before he opened his eyes and looked at the source of the sound to find that yes, it was indeed happening. 

In the doorway, wearing tight a Star Trek T-shirt and – for some reason – a flower crown, was Peter the Dickhead, staring at him. His chest tightened, and his breathing got shallow. 

‘Move, you idiot,’ said a girl behind Peter, which seemed to snap Peter out of whatever kind of trance he’d been in. Balthazar looked down at the piano keys to find that his hands were balled into fists, his fingernails digging into his palms. 

‘I should get home,’ Balthazar said to Paige and started to get up. ‘Do you want me to get anything in particular for dinner? Chels?’

Both Paige and Chelsey shook their heads with the same, confused look on their faces. He wanted to explain, but he didn’t know if he’d be able to right now without having a panic attack, so he just smiled at them and left. 

He was only about ten metres from the theatre building, however, when he heard Peter calling his name. 

‘Balthazar!’

He didn’t stop walking, afraid of what would happen if he did. He was already having trouble breathing properly, and he’d really like to not break down in public, and especially in front of him.

‘Balth.’ Peter had run after him and had put a hand on his shoulder. 

Balthazar’s whole body tensed up again, effectively stopping his tracks. He managed to shake off the hand, though. 

‘What?’ he asked through gritted teeth and turned around, taking a step away from Peter. The smell of his cologne was both intoxicating and sickening. It was the same one that had hung onto that stupid sweater for weeks, even after he’d washed it. It had hung onto his sheets as well.

‘I just-‘ Peter started, no doubt sensing Balthazar’s hostility. He smiled insecurely. ‘I wanted to know if you’d want to get dinner with me sometime.’

Balthazar just looked at him. He wanted to scream and shout and break something. _You have the audacity to ask me out like nothing ever happened? After what you did?_

‘Yeah, I don’t think so,’ Balthazar said coldly, turned around and started walking away. He didn’t stop walking, not when Peter called after him, not when his chest started hurting because he was still having trouble breathing properly. He didn’t stop until he was back at the flat and was greeted by George who lay down on his chest when Balthazar lay down on his bed.

‘I hate him, George. I hate him so fucking much,’ he choked out through the tears that he’d held in until now. George nuzzled his head against Balthazar’s jaw, and Balthazar brought his hands up to pet him.


	3. The First Apology

Despite how painful the whole experience of meeting Peter again had been, Balthazar was kind of proud of how much of a hold on himself he’d managed to have. Sure, he’d been ready to explode on the inside, but he’d been able to hold all of that in until he’d gotten home. 

He stayed there, lying on his bed and staring at the ceiling with George on his chest, until Paige and Chelsey came home. He heard them talking softly and rummaging around in the kitchen for a few minutes, before there was a knock on the door frame to his room and they stood in the opening to his room. Paige was holding two mugs of tea, and Chelsey was holding a mug of her own along with a box of crackers. 

‘Can we come in?’ Chelsey asked softly, and Balthazar simply nodded. He’d finally stopped crying, but he knew that if he attempted to speak right now, the waterworks would no doubt open again. 

The girls sat down on either side of him, and Paige set the tea down on his bedside table. Chelsey put her own mug on the window sill and put the crackers on the bed beside her before lifting George off of Balthazar. He held onto Balthazar’s T-shirt with his claws for a moment to tell her that he wanted to stay there. 

‘I know, honey. Here you go,’ she said and put him down in Balthazar’s lap as Balthazar sat up and took a deep, shuddering breath. 

For a moment, they just sat there in silence. Balthazar knew that they’d want to know why he’d been acting the way he had in the theatre building, but he didn’t trust himself to speak without bursting into tears again just yet, so he just sat there, petting George, and once in a while sipping his tea. 

‘So you know Peter Donaldson,’ Paige eventually said. It was a statement rather than a question. Neither of the three of them was in doubt that Balthazar had some kind of history with Peter. So Balthazar nodded. ‘Since when?’

Balthazar swallowed hard, trying to push down the lump in his throat. This was ridiculous, crying over something that happened months ago. ‘January,’ he whispered.

‘But you were in Nor-‘ Paige started but cut herself off as it dawned on her. ‘Peter’s the guy from Norway,’ she said quietly.

Balthazar nodded again, wiping away a tear that had escaped down his cheek. 

‘That’s… wow,’ Paige said, processing it for a moment, before adding, ‘That’s just not Peter, though.’

‘Well, I mean, he did have a string of one night stands when we first met him last year, babe. Remember?’ Chelsey asked carefully. Balthazar knew that Paige had told her the story. Not that he minded. He just wanted to stop hurting. 

‘Well, yes, but he was so unhappy last year. And the one night stands stopped when he got better – at least according to Jaquie,’ Paige said, frowning. 

‘That’s true,’ Chelsey conceded. 

They were quiet for another moment, the only sound in the room being George purring in Balthazar’s lap as he pet him. The action was calming, and the lump in his throat was almost gone.

‘I feel so stupid for reacting so violently,’ he whispered.

‘Oh, honey, no. You are not stupid for feeling a certain way,’ Chelsey said, wrapping her arms around him. 

‘Yeah, your feelings are valid no matter why you feel them,’ Paige said, hugging him as well. ‘So like, please don’t feel ashamed of them.’

‘I know, but…’ Balthazar said, blinking out another tear. ‘It’s like all my feelings are just extra intense with him – which was great for the short few days when everything was good, but it’s just sucked for the most part.’

‘Yeah, that’s understandable,’ Paige said, rubbing his back, and he laid his head on her shoulder. 

‘And like, it was _months_ ago, and it didn’t last for more than a few _days_. It makes no sense that I feel so strongly about it,’ he went on, and Paige continued rubbing his back in circles. 

‘Yeah, but memories are powerful things,’ Chelsey said. ‘It doesn’t really matter how long it went on, it’s the intensity that matters; and it sounds, to me, like they were an intense few days.’

Balthazar nodded, mulling her words over in her mind. It made sense. He could remember his time this year in Norway in broad strokes, but those days and the few days after were the only ones he remembered in detail. 

‘Can I ask what happened earlier, though? Because he practically ran out after you like a man on a mission, and when he came back he was just moody and almost, like, apathetic for the rest of the rehearsal,’ Paige said. The information made Balthazar feel a little better; at least he wasn’t the only one who felt like crap after that brief conversation. 

‘Um…’ he said, lifting his head from her shoulder and looked down with a frown at where George was still lying in his lap. He didn’t know if he could say it – just thinking about that exchange made his chest feel tight. ‘He, um…’

While he considered how to tell them, he rubbed his thumb over one of George’s paws, making him purr in delight. The cat stretched in his lap, apparently very content with both Balthazar and Chelsey petting him. 

Balthazar took a deep breath. ‘He… he asked me out,’ he finally said, anger rising in his chest again at the audacity of that simple action. ‘And I turned him down.’

‘So maybe he wants to make it up to you? For what he did?’ Chelsey offered carefully. 

‘Did he at least preface it with an apology?’ Paige asked, though by the tone of her voice, she already knew the answer to that. 

‘No,’ Balthazar said, bitterness seeping into his voice. He hadn’t even thought about that; he’d been too busy being angry about Peter assuming he’d go out with him just like that to even consider how necessary an apology would be if, in some alternate universe, Balthazar was ever to accept.

‘Oh, Peter,’ Paige sighed, shaking her head. ‘Always putting his foot in his mouth.’

‘I hate him,’ Balthazar mumbled. He hadn’t wanted to say it out loud; as much as the words were true, Peter was – unfortunately – Paige and Chelsey’s friend. But it had just overwhelmed him in the moment, and the words were out of his mouth before he could register what he was saying. 

‘With good reason,’ Paige said, once again rubbing his back. ‘I’m sorry for getting you to come to rehearsal; you don’t have to help me with the music if being around him is too much for you.’

‘Thanks,’ Balthazar said, his chest loosening a little. ‘I can still help you around here, if you need it. And like, I don’t want you to feel like you need to not be friends with him anymore because of me. Just, like, warn me if he’s going to be coming around here.’

Paige and Chelsey shared a look, and his heart sank. 

‘Yeah, about that; Costa thinks we need to bond as a cast so we invited them to come over and drink some wine,’ Paige said carefully. Balthazar’s chest tightened again. ‘It’s okay, though. I’ll just call him and say we can’t be here after all.’

‘No, don’t do that,’ Balthazar said, drawing a deep breath. ‘I don’t want to dictate who you can and cannot have over. I’ll go watch a movie with Kit that night or something. Don’t worry about it.’

‘Are you sure?’ Paige asked, a worried frown on her face, her eyes searching his for doubts.

‘Yes, just… Don’t worry about it,’ he repeated and smiled as genuinely as he could. 

-

Since Peter now knew about Balthazar living in Wellington, it somehow became harder to avoid him; suddenly, he was at Boyet’s all the time or studying in the library, or walking across the courtyard at the same time as Balthazar. For the most part, Balthazar was able to duck out and turn around before he saw him, but once in a while he’d seen Balthazar before Balthazar had seen him. Whenever that happened, their eyes would meet for a long second, Peter looking a mix of hurt and wistful, before Balthazar would look away, but Peter didn’t make another attempt at a conversation. That is, until a week and a half after the… _incident_ outside the theatre building. 

Balthazar had, as always, arrived early for his history lecture, sitting down in his usual row, and was unpacking his notebook and pen. He had his earphones in, the calming melodies of Mumford & Sons flowing through them. He was scribbling down the headline for the lecture in his notebook when a figure sat down beside him. Out of habit, he looked up to see who it was, and his whole body tensed up, his chest feeling tight. 

Peter.

He was saying something. For a second, Balthazar wondered if he could play it off as if he hadn’t noticed, but he was looking straight at him, so he reluctantly pulled out one earphone. 

‘What?’

‘I hope you don’t mind me sitting here,’ Peter said, and Balthazar wanted to tell him that yes, he did mind. But he also didn’t particularly want to make a scene in the lecture hall which was filling up quickly by now. 

‘I don’t own the seats,’ Balthazar said with a shrug, keeping his face as emotionless as possible, and moved to put the earphone back in. 

‘Well, no, but…’ Peter trailed off, and Balthazar could see in his periphery that he was looking down at his hands. ‘I just… can we talk?’

‘I have nothing to say to you,’ Balthazar said, his eyes on the lecturer who was setting up, connecting her laptop to the projector. He wished for her to start the lecture early. 

‘You don’t have to. It’s just that I really like you, and-‘

Balthazar scoffed. How the hell could he think that he’d actually believe that?

‘I do, and if you could just give me a chance-‘

‘Honestly, Pete, I don’t want to talk to you, like, at all. I have no interest in what you have to say to me. Not now, not ever. So just… leave me alone, okay?’ Balthazar said quietly, but firmly. The underlying anger that had been brewing since he’d seen him at Boyet’s at the beginning of the semester had bubbled to the surface, and it was all he could do not to just leave the lecture hall. 

Peter was quiet for a moment, and Balthazar could feel his eyes on him. Then he looked down, frowning at his hands. 

‘Okay.’

To Balthazar’s relief, the lecture began in that moment and he buried himself in the information being provided. He could feel Peter looking at him every now and then, but he refused to acknowledge it. He just needed to get through this lecture, and then he could go home and work on one of his assignments.

As soon as the lecture was done, he gathered up his things and left, not even bothering with packing them into his bag until he was halfway through the park, where he stopped at a bench and caught his breath. His throat hurt as he gulped down the air that he’d deprived himself while running away from Peter.

His phone buzzed in his pocket. 

Kit:  
_The place is crazy today. I won’t be able to talk much, but you can still come hang out._

Crap. In the middle of his Peter-panic he’d forgotten that he was supposed to have coffee with Kit. He supposed he needed to talk about what had just happened, but if Kit would be busy with work, Balthazar didn’t want to bother him. Maybe it would be better if he got some time to process it anyway. 

Balthazar:  
_Nah, I can just stop by tomorrow :)_

As he was tapping _send_ , already in the motion of putting his phone back into his pocket, another text came in. This one, however, was not from Kit. 

Peter from the bar:  
_I’m sorry._

Balthazar stared at his phone in disbelief long enough for the screen to go black. His fingers were itching to write ‘Fuck off’ back, but that would be to acknowledge the message, and the alternative was a lot more satisfying. So he simply deleted it.


	4. The Acceptance

The next day, Balthazar told Kit about what had happened at and after the lecture. It was a slow day, so Kit could talk for as long as Balthazar needed, as long as the odd interruption didn’t bother him. It did a little, but he also knew that this was Kit’s job, and that he was lucky to have a friend who was willing to listen to his whining. 

‘I just can’t believe he thought it would be enough to just send a text. Like, what did he expect? That I’d come running back and forgive him just like that?’ Balthazar complained, anger bubbling in his chest. 

‘Maybe he panicked. Freddie said that he has a habit of trying to fix things in ways that may not be the best. I don’t think he knows how to make it up to you,’ Kit said, sipping his coffee. 

‘The problem is that he thinks he _can_ make it up to me, because I just don’t think he can,’ Balthazar said with a sigh. 

Kit opened his mouth to say something, but in that moment, a group of teenage girls came in, and he had to excuse himself for a moment to attend to them.

‘Look,’ Kit said when he sat back down. ‘I get that you’re pissed at him, but it sounds like he was reaching out.’

‘Yeah, well, I’m not interested in him reaching out. I’d rather he just disappeared out of my life forever,’ Balthazar mumbled, his eyes on his coffee. 

Kit looked at him for a moment, and Balthazar shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Kit had persisted in his thinking that Balthazar should talk to Peter about what happened, and he’d been vocal about it every time Balthazar started complaining about him. 

‘I know you’re not ready to give him a chance to explain, but I still think it’ll make things easier. He’s friends with Freddie, so he’d going to be around here sometimes, not to mention mine and Freddie’s place. He does theatre with Paige and Chelsey, so he’s going to be spending a lot of time with them _and_ be in the play which I know you’re planning on seeing; he’s not exactly likely to “disappear out of your life forever”, as you put it. Maybe if you knew his reasons… I’m not saying that you should, could or would forgive him, but it might be nice to know his reasons. I’m still not entirely convinced there hasn’t just been a big misunderstanding. I know he’s been talking to Freddie about how awful he feels.’

A tiny voice in Balthazar rejoiced at the thought of Peter feeling awful. But the rest of him was just uncomfortable. He did want to know what the hell Peter had been thinking, because it made no sense to him. He’d been spending the first few days after Peter had left, trying desperately to come up with some reason that Peter would have thought that was an okay thing to do. But every time he saw him, he felt angry and sad and hurt and just generally like crap, so he mostly just wanted to not see Peter. 

‘Kitso, can I get you to pack some of the boxes for the homeless shelter? I don’t think we’ll be selling any more of those scones today,’ Fred Boyet, the young and handsome owner of the shop, asked Kit, coming over to the table where they were sitting.

‘Yes, of course,’ Kit said, sending Balthazar a pointed look before he got up to get to work. 

‘Hello Balthazar,’ Fred said, sitting down at the table. ‘It’s nice to see you again.’

‘Hi Fred,’ Balthazar said and smiled pleasantly at him. Fred was only a couple of years older than him, and the two of them had connected instantly over the food at Boyet’s when they’d first met. Balthazar was well aware that Fred had had a crush on him for the past six months, but he’d never had anything other than platonic feelings for the guy. Sure, he was nice and good-looking, but he’d just never made Balthazar’s stomach swoop. Not the way Peter had back in Norway. 

‘So the new Marvel film looks really good. I was looking at the reviews today; the critics seem to like it. Have you been to see it?’ Fred asked, running a hand through his hair and adjusting his glasses. 

‘Nah, haven’t had the chance with school,’ Balthazar said, sipping his coffee. 

‘Oh, well, I was thinking about catching it on Saturday. You could join me if you’d like?’ Fred asked. Balthazar knew what he was doing because he’d done this a few times before. As casual as he tried to sound, the nerves were evident in his voice. 

Fred was asking him out. Again. For a moment he searched for an excuse not to go, but then something dawned on him. Saturday was the day Paige and Chelsey were going to have the cast over for “bonding time”, and Balthazar had been meaning to find something to do to get out of the flat for the evening. 

Besides, if he was going to move on from the mess that was Peter, maybe going on a date with a guy that really liked him – and who was actually a decent guy – was the best way to do that. He’d be giving Fred what he’d been asking for, for the past six months: a chance. And who knew? Maybe he’d end up actually really liking Fred. It wasn’t unthinkable; Fred was everything Balthazar had described he’d want in a man when he was in high school after all, and he cared about Balthazar. And if not, it might be nice to spend an evening being complimented and wanted. 

‘Sure,’ he said, and Fred’s whole face lit up, his posture changing from a half-slump to a straight back. ‘We could maybe grab some dinner before, too.’

‘Yes!’ Fred said before realising just how enthusiastically he’d said that. ‘I mean, yeah, we could do that. Um, so should I pick you up at six?’

‘Yeah, that sounds great,’ Balthazar said and smiled as genuinely as he could. He wanted to be enthusiastic about it, but somehow that was a very difficult task. He’d have to work on that for Saturday. 

‘Great,’ Fred said and smiled in a way that convinced Balthazar that he was hiding just how big that smile would be if he let it all out. 

Balthazar did his best at returning it. This was moving on. He could do this. 

-

Two days later, Balthazar was in his room, working on a music theory assignment with George lying in his lap. George being in his room had become such a common occurrence that Paige was starting to joke that he was more Balthazar’s cat than her and Chelsey’s. Balthazar wasn’t complaining, though; he liked George, and he had to admit that he did help reduce some of the stress he was undergoing, both with school and the whole Peter situation. 

In a fit of frustration, Balthazar threw his pencil across the room and put his head in his hands. George nuzzled his head against Balthazar’s stomach. He sighed and looked back at his assignment. He needed a book that he didn’t have. He got up, effectively making George jump down to the floor, and went for his door. 

‘Pai-‘ he said, but was cut off by Paige literally being in the process of walking by his door as he opened it. ‘Oh, hey. Do you still have that book on tonal harmony that we needed last year? I need it for an assignment.’

‘Yeah, just let me go to the bathroom and then I’ll find it for you,’ she said, slowly walking backwards toward the bathroom. 

‘Cool,’ he said, giving her thumbs up before she locked the bathroom door behind her. Since he was out of his room anyway, he decided to go make a cup of tea, so with George trailing behind him, he went into the kitchen. 

Sitting by the kitchen table, on his phone, was Peter, and Balthazar took a deep breath, swallowing down whatever anger might have surged through him. Kit was right; he was going to have to get used to Peter being around whether he liked it or not. He had to accept that this was a thing that could happen. Besides, there were two scripts on the table so he assumed Peter’s being there had something to do with the play, and wasn’t just a social call. 

Peter jumped when he saw him, and Balthazar tried his best to be as casual as possible; he did live there, after all, and he’d be damned if Peter made him feel uncomfortable in his own home.

Trying his best to ignore Peter, Balthazar put the kettle on and pulled down a mug from the cupboard. George jumped onto the counter and inspected the mug so Balthazar ran a hand down the cat’s back while taking his time to choose a flavour of tea. 

‘I swear I’m not stalking you,’ Peter said after about a minute of silence. Balthazar turned around and looked at him, trying to seem as nonchalant and unbothered as possible. ‘We were running lines in the theatre building, but then someone came in and said they’d booked the room we were in, and every other room was occupied, and this place is closer than mine. And I swear Paige said it was f-’

‘Pete,’ Balthazar interrupted. ‘Stop. Paige can bring her friends over. You’re her friend, I know that. I’m not particularly happy about it, but I’m not going to dictate who she can bring around the flat.’

He poured the now boiled water into his mug, adding all the essentials. George was getting dangerously close to the hot liquid so Balthazar lifted him down from the counter.

‘Right,’ Peter said. As much as Balthazar was trying not to make it so, the air between them was heavy and tense. Their shared days in Norway flashed through Balthazar’s mind like a time-lapse playing over and over again, and always ending with that morning when he’d woken up to that heartbreaking note. 

In that moment, Paige came into the room carrying a book. ‘Was this the one you were talking about?’

‘Yes, thanks,’ Balthazar said, taking the book and his mug before walking out of the room. ‘Have fun with the lines.’

Before he closed the door to his bedroom, George sauntering in behind him, he heard Peter groan in frustration and say, ‘I hate myself.’ 

-

That night, when Peter had left and Chelsey had come home from work, Balthazar cooked the three of them dinner while the girls kept him company. Paige had taken her ukulele from their room and was playing some of the music from the play. 

‘That sounds really good, much better than what you had last week,’ Balthazar praised as he added the red peppers to the stir-fry he was making. 

‘Thanks, I wouldn’t have gotten this without your help. Costa’s been asking if you’d like to become an official member of the cast, by the way. You know, since you’ve basically contributed with the best parts of the music anyway,’ she said. ‘I wasn’t going to ask you, because we’ve already talked about it, but you didn’t seem as tense with Peter today so I thought I’d hear you out anyway.’

‘Oh, it could be so wonderful to have you in the cast, Balthy!’ Chelsey said with a big smile. 

Balthazar felt his shoulders tense at the mention of Peter’s name, and his grip on the wooden spoon, he was holding, tightened. 

‘Yeah, nah, I don’t think I have time. I’ll still help you out if you need it, but I have so much else on. Thanks for asking, though. Besides, you don’t need my help. You’re really talented, Paige,’ he said, hoping his compliment would distract her from his excuse. 

‘Thanks, Balth,’ Paige said before clearing her throat. ‘I’m sorry about not warning you about Pete coming over earlier, by the way.’

‘Huh? Oh, no, it’s fine. He explained while you were in the bathroom,’ Balthazar said, trying to sound casual. He was determined to get over him, and apparently he was going for the fake-it-till-you-make-it method. 

‘Still, I should have been a little more considerate,’ she said. ‘So I’m sorry.’

‘Thanks, Paige.’ 


	5. The Game

His date with Fred was… well, pleasant, if a bit awkward. Fred picked him up at six o’clock as promised, told him how nice he looked in his black button-down, and took him to a vegan restaurant where the food was way better than the conversation. After they’d talked about how business at Boyet’s was going, and Balthazar had deflected from Fred’s questions about how his music and school was going, they simply ran out of things to talk about. 

Fred tried, bless him. He asked a question, complimented Balthazar on his hair or something else, or commented on the food whenever the silence had stretched too far into the uncomfortable. And Balthazar was trying to keep the conversation going, he really was, but he just didn’t feel comfortable enough to let loose. Not like he had with Peter. 

_No_ , he told himself. _Peter screwed you over. Fred would never do that._

He found himself breathing a sigh of relief when the lights dimmed in the cinema, giving him an excuse to not talk to Fred, though. It wasn’t that Fred wasn’t nice or that the two of them didn’t have a nice time together, but they didn’t _click_. 

Ever since he was old enough to begin to understand what falling in love was, he’d known that he had to find someone he clicked with. There had to be a moment where everything fell into place, where suddenly everything felt right – or at least where it didn’t matter that not everything was right because he’d have someone who understood him, who he understood, and that they could help each other through whatever trials and tribulations they’d have to go through. 

Fred was nice and pleasant, and he liked Balthazar, that much was clear as day, but he didn’t understand him, didn’t pick up on whenever Balthazar was uncomfortable or tense. And Balthazar didn’t understand Fred, either. They were too different or too alike – Balthazar wasn’t sure which – to really get on. 

And as much as Balthazar wished it to be, he just couldn’t make himself have romantic feelings for Fred. To him, it felt more like watching a movie with an acquaintance than a date.

About halfway through the movie, Fred’s fingertips brushed over Balthazar’s hand that was resting on the armrest between them. Balthazar tensed up a little; he’d not meant to suggest anything. Still, he let Fred take his hand, but was painfully aware that it didn’t feel anything but awkward and clammy. 

When the credits rolled, Balthazar pulled his hand from Fred’s and started gathering up his things. He stayed seated, though, because he knew that there was a scene at the end of the credits. Fred, however, got up. 

‘Is something wrong?’ he asked when he noticed that Balthazar was still in his seat. 

‘Nah; end scene,’ Balthazar merely said, gesturing at the screen. 

‘Oh, right,’ Fred said, quickly sitting back down with an embarrassed laugh. Balthazar fiddled with his sleeve as the scene played across the screen.

‘Do you want to go get a drink?’ Fred asked when they’d left the cinema and were walking toward his car. Balthazar wasn’t going to pretend to himself that he hadn’t heard the slight hint of desperation in Fred’s voice. 

‘Actually, I think I’ll just go home; I’m pretty beat,’ he said, pulling his sleeves over his hands. ‘I had fun, though.’

‘Yes, okay. Do you want me to give you a lift?’ Fred asked, stopping at his car, keys in hand. 

‘Nah, I think I’ll just walk. Fresh air and all that,’ Balthazar said with an apologetic smile. And with that, they parted. 

Balthazar liked walking home at night; the deserted streets had a peaceful air around them. He took his time, going the long way round for two reasons; one, he needed time to go over the date in his mind before he got back to the flat. And two, he was hoping that if he delayed his arrival home, the cast of Paige and Chelsey’s play would have left. 

When he opened the front door, however, he was met by the sound of laughter from several people coming from the kitchen. Most notably, Peter’s laughter. Quietly, Balthazar kicked off his shoes and tried passing the opening to the kitchen on his way to his room without being noticed. 

‘Balthazar!’ 

Strangely, it was Costa that called out when he saw him. Reluctantly, he stopped in the doorway. Paige, Chelsey, Costa, Peter, and a girl, that Balthazar assumed must be Jaquie, were seated in a circle on the floor of the kitchen, each with either a beer or a drink in hand. George was lying in Peter’s lap; Balthazar didn’t know how to feel about that.

‘How was your date?’ Paige asked, and Balthazar couldn’t figure out if she’d done it because she was just a good friend who was interested in her friends’ lives, or if it was to emphasise to Peter that Balthazar was going on dates. He kind of hoped it was the latter, and judging by the change in Peter’s demeanour, it was working. 

‘It was fine,’ he said with a shrug. He didn’t want to lie, but he also didn’t want to admit to a room containing Peter, that it had been unsuccessful. 

‘Come join us! We were just about to play Never Have I Ever!’ Costa said, gesturing wildly that Balthazar should take a seat in the circle. 

‘Actually, I was-‘

‘Oh, come on, Balthy! You don’t have to drink alcohol; Pete switched to soft drinks, like, an hour ago,’ Chelsey said, obviously a little drunk. ‘We’d feel awful knowing you were in your room by yourself.’

‘Yeah, you can sit here,’ Paige said, scooting to make room between her and Chelsey. Balthazar sighed in defeat and went to sit down. He didn’t want his friends to feel bad on his behalf.

The placement with Paige and Chelsey on either side of him made him feel a little safer than he would have otherwise, even if it did mean that he was seated directly opposite Peter. He tried not to look at him, but it was hard when he was directly in his line of sight. Their eyes met for a moment, before Peter shifted in his seat and looked down at his soda. Paige handed Balthazar a coke. 

‘Okay, I’ll go first!’ Paige said, narrowing her eyes, looking around the group. ‘Never have I ever… kissed a boy!’

Everyone but Paige drank. 

‘If that’s how it’s going to be,’ Balthazar said, looking Paige straight in the eye. ‘Never have I ever kissed a girl.’

Everyone but Balthazar drank, Paige sticking her tongue out at him before she did so. 

‘Never have I ever been in love!’ Chelsey said excitedly. 

‘Babe, you’re supposed to say something you actually _haven’t_ done,’ Paige laughed.

‘I know, but I really wanted to say that one,’ Chelsey said. ‘And look, I’m drinking, aren’t I?’

Everyone but Jaquie drank on that one, and Peter raised an eyebrow at her.

‘What? I’ve never been in love,’ she said with a shrug. 

‘That’s so sad!’ Chelsey exclaimed with a pout. She looked like she could start crying at any moment. 

‘Why is that sad, exactly?’ Peter asked, leaning back against one of the legs of the kitchen table, his hand absentmindedly stroking George’s back. Balthazar made himself look away. 

‘Because being in love is wonderful!’ Chelsey replied, sending an affectionate look at Paige while doing so. 

‘Not always,’ Balthazar mumbled, briefly glancing at Peter. It wasn’t until the room stayed quiet for a moment that he realised that he hadn’t said it as quietly as he’d thought. Everyone was looking at him, and Peter in particular had a painful expression on his face. Paige squeezed his arm reassuringly.

‘My turn!’ Costa said enthusiastically, no doubt trying to rid them of the tension that had fallen in the room at Balthazar’s comment. ‘Never have I ever had sex with someone who is in this room!’

That did nothing to rid the room of tension. Paige and Chelsey drank, but Balthazar was aware of the look they shared behind his back. Jaquie rolled her eyes at Costa. Apparently Costa was the only person in the room who didn’t know. Great. Balthazar looked at Peter, his heart aching at the memory, and – almost perfectly synchronised – they both drank. 

Somehow, the acknowledgement from both of them in a room with other people made it all too real. For a while now, Balthazar had coped with the pain of that memory by telling himself that it had been a dream or wishful thinking; that he’d made it up. Now he couldn’t do that anymore, because Peter had just confirmed that it had actually happened.

Balthazar was having trouble breathing properly, the air in the kitchen suddenly feeling very thick, so he got up, putting his coke on the counter. 

‘I need some air. You guys keep playing,’ he mumbled and left the room. He steered toward the end of the hallway and out of the door to the little garden that came with the flat. He lay down in one of Paige and Chelsey’s lawn chairs. Looking up at the sky, he was alone with his thoughts. God, he needed to get a grip and get over all this Peter mess. 

As if summoned by the thought of his name, Peter’s voice cut through his thoughts. ‘Can I join you?’ He sounded so small and insecure. A voice inside Balthazar snickered. 

‘Not my chairs,’ Balthazar mumbles with a shrug. 

Peter tentatively lay back in the chair next to him, and they were silent for a moment. 

‘You’re a dick.’ Balthazar heard it before he registered that he was the one who’d said it. 

‘Yeah,’ Peter just said. The pain that one word held almost made Balthazar feel bad about how good it felt. 

‘You’re the biggest dick in the history of dicks,’ Balthazar went on. For some reason it was very important to him that Peter knew that. 

‘I know. I’m sorry,’ Peter said, and as much as Balthazar had been wanting to hear those words from Peter’s mouth, they did nothing to ease the pain in his chest. It just wasn’t enough.

Balthazar scoffed. ‘Right.’

‘Look, I know you don’t owe me anything, but can I please just… explain?’ Peter asked, sitting up and looking at Balthazar. Balthazar refused to look back, and kept his eyes resolutely on the sky. 

His mind was simultaneously telling him to get away, and to get some answers from Peter. He’d spent too much time obsessing over why. Maybe Kit was right; maybe getting an explanation would help him get over it and move on. On the other hand, he was pretty sure nothing Peter had to say would make it any better.

‘Explain what, exactly? How you acted all perfect and fed me some bullshit story about a girl breaking your heart so that I’d feel sorry for you, only for you to bail the moment I slept with you?’ Balthazar asked and sat up, the anger once again rising to the surface. ‘Actually no, please explain how that note _ever_ seemed like a good idea! Because, frankly, I have never – in my _entire life_ – felt so fucking cheap!’

Peter shut his eyes, as if Balthazar’s words had physically hurt him. He kinda hoped they had. 

‘Fuck, I’m so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you,’ Peter said, opening his eyes, and looked at Balthazar, pain written all over his face. 

‘Yes, well, you did,’ Balthazar said, holding back tears. He really didn’t want to fucking cry in front of Peter.

They were both quiet for a moment. Balthazar wanted to leave. He wanted to get out of this conversation, and he wanted it badly. But he also wanted to know what Peter had to say for himself. 

‘I never meant to kiss you,’ Peter said, his voice barely above a whisper, looking down at his hands. ‘I promised myself that I wouldn’t take it further than a little innocent flirting. But then you were taking care of me after I hit my head, and I couldn’t help myself. And then you kissed me back, and it was amazing, so I decided that it was okay, because it made you happy. But I was definitely not going to sleep with you. I wasn’t going to do that to you – to myself – because I knew how it was going to end. But then… well, as we’ve already established, I have very poor self-control around you.’ 

Balthazar’s emotions were a mess. Peter had said kissing him was amazing; that softened him slightly. But he had also just admitted that he’d known that he’d end up hurting him. He felt sick.

‘So when I woke up that morning, I knew we needed to talk. And I thought you lived in Norway, so I was convinced that it was inevitably going to be uncomfortable. I was going to talk to you, though. I didn’t plan on just bailing like that. You didn’t deserve that. ‘ 

Balthazar could feel Peter’s eyes on him but kept his own eyes on his hands. He was welling up, blinking away tears.

‘But then Bea texted me saying that we needed to leave early, and I didn’t want to wake you up, because… well, you looked so happy and peaceful. I thought I was never going to see you again. So I panicked and wrote that note. And I know how much of a dick move that was. Believe me; I’ve regretted it since I left that room.’ 

They were quiet for a moment while Balthazar processed what he’d just been told. It was nice to know that Peter regretted it. His heart still ached, though.

‘You have every right to hate me; I hate myself for doing that to you,’ Peter then said.

‘Good,’ Balthazar said, having a hard time getting any sound past the lump that had formed in his throat. He knew it was harsh, but somehow it didn’t feel harsh enough.

‘I don’t expect you to forgive me.’

‘Good.’

They were silent, while Balthazar tried to swallow down the tears pressing against his eyelids and control his breathing. Peter’s words were spinning in his head. The worst part about all of this was that all he wanted to do was forget that it had ever happened. 

‘Do you think you ever could? Forgive me, that is,’ Peter said, his voice shaking.

‘I don’t know,’ Balthazar whispered. ‘You broke my heart.’

It sounded so stupid when he said it out loud. They’d only known each other for a few days in Norway, yet he’d managed to get his heart broken. How fucking sad was that? 

‘I’m sorry.’

‘You said that already.’

‘I know. I really am, though. So fucking sorry. I’ll do whatever it takes to prove it. Because I really do like you a lot,’ Peter said, reaching out for Balthazar’s hand, but Balthazar moved away as if Peter’s hand was poison. 

‘Please don’t touch me,’ he whispered, not able to look at Peter. He felt sick at the mere thought of touching him. It reminded him too much of that night; he was so scared that he’d be drawn in only to have his heart completely shattered again. 

‘Sorry,’ Peter mumbled and retracted his hand, which until then had been hanging awkwardly in the air between them. ‘I can go if you want.’

Balthazar didn’t answer immediately; he didn’t know what to say. For some reason, the thought of Peter leaving sent a wave of panic through him. But if he stayed, Balthazar was terrified that he’d do something stupid. The panic overpowered him in the end when Peter made a move to get up. 

‘Don’t.’ His voice was so small and desperate that he hardly recognised it. He drew a deep, shuddering breath. ‘Just… I need time.’

‘Yeah, I get that. Take all the time you need. I won’t go anywhere until you tell me to.’

The way he’d said it, Balthazar wasn’t sure if he just meant that night, or in general. He wasn’t even sure if he himself had meant that night or in general. Maybe they’d both been talking about both. 

‘Do you think… can we maybe try and be friends?’ Peter asked quietly.

‘Maybe,’ Balthazar said equally as quiet. 

They were silent for another moment, and Balthazar was having trouble focusing on the stars in the sky because his eyes kept filling up with tears.

‘You’ll have to earn back my trust,’ Balthazar heard himself say. ‘Because right now…’

‘I know,’ Peter said.


	6. The Project Partner

Kit had, of course, been right; knowing Peter’s reasoning made it easier to be around him. Knowing that he knew how awful what he’d done had been made Balthazar’s anger subside substantially. They hadn’t cleared the air completely – there were a few things from Peter’s explanation that confused him – and Balthazar knew that if they were ever going to get completely past it, clearing the air would be a necessity. But for now – for being cordial and sort of friends – the conversation they’d had was enough.

Fred Boyet, on the other hand, was a different story. They’d run into each other the next time Balthazar had gone to Boyet’s to get coffee with Kit, and things had been awkward to say the least. Not on Balthazar’s part, but Fred seemed almost embarrassed and quite sad that the date hadn’t worked out differently. He didn’t ask Balthazar out again, though, and he stayed friendly. 

Kit told Balthazar after their first encounter that Fred had come to him and asked if Balthazar had just gone out with him out of pity. That made Balthazar feel bad, but Kit had reassured him that he’d convinced Fred that Balthazar had genuinely been interested, but that maybe the chemistry just wasn’t there. It didn’t stop Balthazar feel a little bad for having led Fred on like that, though. 

They hardly saw each other after that, which was most likely of Fred’s doing and probably for the best. The few times they did run into each other, they were cordial, but the conversation never went beyond the polite “Hello” and “How are you”. In all honestly, it was a bit nice not to have to find a way of letting Fred down gently.

Without having to stress about avoiding Peter all the time, Balthazar felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders, if only a little. It was easier to stay on top of his school work, and he even found time to write and play some of his music. 

He was going through his notebooks of old songs when he came across the one he’d filled up while he was in Norway. It was strange; you could see the progression of his emotional state, clear as day, by reading the songs he’d written on that trip. 

The first six and a half were full of crossed out lines and frustration, and the themes were kind of dull. He remembered having a hard time writing when he got there for New Years. Then, suddenly, there were a few songs about meeting someone, about falling head over heels for them, about how a glance from this person was enough to keep you up at night. There was one that was about how a kiss could blow your mind – it mentioned something about a fox. 

Then there was _Stay_ , which was one of the songs that had come to him quickly. He’d started it the afternoon before he and Peter had had those bottles of wine in his hotel room, and then finished it the next day before the performance. Dag had insisted he play it, to make sure Peter heard it. Balthazar swallowed hard at the memory. Maybe hearing the song had scared Peter away, even if it may not have been clear at the time. In hindsight, Balthazar had come on a little strong that last night. At the time, he’d been so sure in Peter, and he’d felt bold after the rush that he always got from performing. 

The last half of the notebook was filled with songs about heartbreak and betrayal. Most of them were awful and had really only served as a form of therapy for Balthazar, but there were a couple that he actually liked when he looked them over. One was called _Fish in the Sea_ , and although it was a little melodramatic, saying that Peter was the only one for him, though not mentioning him by name, it was still a good song. And no one had to know that it was about Peter; it could just as well be about Anthony. Or Damien. Maybe. Sort of.

He’d written it the night of the day that Peter had left. He’d been tossing and turning, trying to sleep. However, Peter’s cologne was stuck in the sheets, making it impossible for him to relax; every time he’d drifted off to sleep, he’d been convinced that that day had just been a bad dream, and he’d sat up in the bed, expecting Peter to be lying beside him, the way he had when they’d gone to sleep after the party. And the sex. The mind-blowingly amazing sex. 

Balthazar threw himself back on his bed, images from that night overwhelming him. For a moment, he closed his eyes and let himself relive it. He hadn’t let himself do that until now, because it had been too painful, but after Peter had told him what he had, Balthazar let himself go through his memories, trying to search for signs. 

He hadn’t had a lot of sex in his life. His first time had been with Damien when they’d dated in Year 11. They’d had an okay sex life during their relationship. But then, when they’d broken up, he knew that Damien had gone out and had sex with a few girls to get over him, and possibly convince himself that he wasn’t gay after all. Balthazar just hadn’t ever felt the need for that. 

He’d had one one-night stand – apart from Peter – after he’d broken up with Damien the second time at the beginning of his first semester in Wellington. He hadn’t had a support system in Wellington yet, so when he found himself newly single, he’d gone to a bar and hooked up with some guy. It hadn’t been good at all, and afterward, he’d felt dirty and awkward. He’d left as quickly as possible, vowing to never do that again. Sex, for Balthazar, just wasn’t good if he didn’t have some kind of emotional connection with the other person. 

Which is why it had been so good and hurt so bad with Peter. In the short few days they’d spent together, Balthazar had fallen head over heels in love with him. It would be stupid not to admit it if he wanted to move on. He knew now that Peter had felt _something_ for him too, and possibly still did from what he’d said, and Balthazar was convinced that that was why the sex had been so fucking good. At the time he’d thought that Peter felt the same as he did, which is why that note was so heartbreaking. 

He ran his fingers through his hair, sighing. Did he trust Peter? No, not at all; if Peter had skipped out on him once before who was to say he wouldn’t do it again? Could he ever trust Peter again? Maybe, but he still wasn’t entirely sure. Did he _want_ to trust Peter? He reluctantly had to admit that he did. 

Was he still in love with Peter, despite everything that had happened? Yes. He hated it, but he was. 

-

For the next history lecture, Balthazar arrived early as usual. The temperature outside had reached a point where it was bearable to wear a cardigan over his shirt, which put him in a rather good mood. He was tapping out a rhythm for a song he’d been working on the night before, when Peter entered the lecture hall. 

Balthazar hesitated when he saw him; his feelings were confusing when it came to that guy these days. He got this flutter in his chest, but his heart also ached, and a voice in his head was telling him to not get sucked in. He’d decided to give Peter a chance to redeem himself, though, so when Peter looked questioningly between Balthazar and the empty seat beside him, Balthazar nodded with something he couldn’t quite call a smile. Peter looked relieved as he walked up the steps to where Balthazar was sitting. 

‘Did you understand any of the readings for today? Because I feel like I spent the entire day yesterday trying to get it, but I’m not sure I did,’ Peter said as he was unpacking his things. 

‘Yeah, I got it eventually, but I spent a long time trying to figure it out, too,’ Balthazar said, trying to mimic the casual nature of Peter’s voice. It felt weird having this kind of conversation with Peter, as if they were nothing but two people taking the same class. 

‘Hmm,’ Peter hummed, and Balthazar could feel his eyes on him as he watched the lecturer set up. ‘I’m really hoping this lecture will clear some things up.’

‘I’m sure it will,’ Balthazar said, sending Peter a friendly smile. He really didn’t know how to act. 

To his relief, the lecture started just then, and he could immerse himself in it. Or he tried, but the way Peter’s knee bumped into his a couple of times distracted him a little. Peter apologised both times, but Balthazar waved him off. It wasn’t until the lecturer was wrapping up with last points that Balthazar realised two things: Peter touching him – even if it had been accidental – had not done anything but make his chest flutter a little, and Peter was apologising because Balthazar had asked him to not touch him. 

He glanced at Peter, who was still scribbling down notes with a concentrated frown on his face, and smiled to himself. Peter was actually respecting Balthazar’s wishes.

‘Remember that your group assignment is due next month so if you haven’t found a group yet, now would be a good time to do so,’ the lecturer said, pulling Balthazar back into reality. Shit. The group assignment. ‘Let me remind you that this assignment will count as a third of your grade so make sure you find a good group.’

Balthazar felt his heart hammer in his chest and his breathing becoming shallow. He’d completely forgotten about that assignment. 

‘Hey, do you have a group?’ Peter asked as he was packing his things. Balthazar just sat there, staring straight ahead. Fuck, fuck, fuck. He managed to shake his head a little. ‘Yeah, me neither. Do you want to do it together?’

Balthazar’s head was buzzing. Did he want to spend that much time with Peter over the next month? How was his work ethic? What if their past made it impossible for them to work productively? What if Peter’s only aim was to pass?

Then again, he needed a group, and he needed it immediately unless he wanted to have a panic attack. So he nodded. 

Peter looked surprised for a moment, before a smile crept onto his face. He looked like he was trying to hide it, but it didn’t work. ‘Cool. I have another lecture now, but maybe we could meet up at the library in an hour to draw up a game plan? Unless you have anything else on?’

‘No, I can meet you in an hour,’ Balthazar said, taking a deep breath. His heart rate had slowed down to a tempo that wasn’t nearly as worrisome as before. 

‘Alright,’ Peter said, getting up and hoisting his bag onto his shoulder. ‘I’ll see you in an hour, then.’

-

He wasn’t exactly sure how he got to Boyet’s – he assumed he’d walked, but it was a bit dazed – but before he knew it, he was sitting across from Kit, telling him about what had happened. 

‘Are you okay, man?’ Kit asked, his eyes searching Balthazar’s face. 

‘…I think I just agreed to do this massive history assignment with Peter,’ Balthazar said, and buried his face in his hands as soon as he’d said it. ‘This is going to be a disaster!’

‘Not necessarily,’ Kit said, and Balthazar removed his hands from his face to shoot Kit a disbelieving look. ‘What? You wouldn’t have agreed if you didn’t think, on some level, that it could work out.’

‘Yeah, but what if he’s really rubbish and procrastinates all the time so that we end up getting a C? I really need to do well on this assignment!’ Balthazar said, feeling the stress set in his shoulders as he spoke. 

‘I don’t think that’ll be a problem. Remember how I told you that Freddie tutored him last year?’ Kit asked, and Balthazar nodded. In a fit of frustration one day, Balthazar had asked Kit why his girlfriend absolutely _had_ to be besties with Peter. Kit had explained that Peter had contacted Freddie the previous spring because he’d needed to do well in a politics course, and that the two of them had become close by the time exams rolled around. ‘I didn’t see him mess around a single minute when Freddie was working with him, and he hasn’t needed tutoring this semester so I think he’s pretty good when he sets his mind to it.’

Balthazar heaved a deep sigh. ‘He’d better set his mind to it with this, then, because it’s stressing me out, and we haven’t even started yet.’

‘Are you sure some of that stress isn’t having to spend a lot of one-on-one time with Peter in the next few weeks?’ Kit asked, a teasing glint in his eyes. 

‘I don’t know. Yeah. Maybe. I don’t think it’ll be that bad, though. At least I hope not. It went well enough sitting next to him today, so I’m hoping that’s a good sign.’


	7. The Freak Out

Over the next few days Balthazar and Peter spent a few hours each day brainstorming, picking a topic, making an outline over the paper, and picking out the material they’d need. After that, they spent their time together studying at various locations, including the library, Balthazar’s flat, and Peter’s flat, where Balthazar was startled at one point by Meg basically tackling him when she saw him after she’d come home. 

It had been Peter’s idea that they should study together. He’d suggested it hesitantly, and explained that that way one could get the other to explain if they didn’t understand something, and that way get a better hold on the material. Balthazar wasn’t completely convinced that that was his main reason to suggest it, but had to admit that the reasoning made sense. 

Peter, Balthazar quickly learned, was the type that grasped things quickly. It was like he absorbed whatever he was reading, forever ready to be used. For one, it made their conversation at the lecture, when they’d decided to do the assignment together, a little suspicious to Balthazar, because Peter had been complaining about not understanding it, when he very clearly did. For another, it frustrated Balthazar a little, because he himself sometimes needed to go over it several times before he could explain what it was about. It was like the information went into his head the first time, but he had to reread it and often talk about it with someone before he fully understood it. 

Studying with Peter was better than studying alone, though. It was like Peter had some sort of Balthazar-sense that tingled whenever Balthazar started getting frustrated about not understanding something. In those situations, Peter would take his book from him, skim the page, and retell what it said in phrases that made it make sense. It actually saved Balthazar hours of work.

One day, they were in Balthazar’s kitchen, sitting across from each other with each of their lap tops in front of them. Both had Google Docs open as they were trying to write a thesis for their paper. They’d been at it for three hours so far, and though they’d almost had one half an hour ago, they’d realised that they’d chosen a way too large field, resulting in them having to rewrite the entire thesis. 

Peter had been throwing him worried glances once in a while, but Balthazar had tried his best to not seem like he needed taking care of. They needed to get this done. It was important that they stayed on track with the plan they’d drawn up.

Balthazar’s head had gradually become more and more heavy, frustration seeping out of his every pore. He kept clenching and unclenching his fists as he tried coming up with something to write, but every single fact that he’d crammed into his brain in the previous two weeks had either disappeared or muddled together. His leg was shaking under the table, and he felt very uncomfortable in his own skin. 

‘I can’t do this,’ he said and pushed his laptop away. He got up and started pacing, his breathing becoming shallow as he let the weight of the stress settle properly in his chest. ‘It’s just- it’s not working! It’s impossible. We’re just going to sit here until the deadline and then we’re going to hand in some mess of an assignment, and we’re going to fail, because I’m too stupid to even go to university in the first place, and-‘

‘Balth, calm down,’ Peter said, standing up.

Balthazar’s chest was tight, like his lungs couldn’t fill up with air properly, and the tears were rolling down his face, his whole body tense. ‘It’s like this every time I have a big assignment, and it only gets worse, and this is too important to mess up, and I just can’t mess it u-’

‘Balthazar!’ Peter interrupted. ‘It’s okay. You’ll be okay,’ he said, stepping up and wrapping his arms tightly around Balthazar. ‘It’s okay, just listen to my breathing, yeah? Just focus on my breathing.’

Balthazar just stood there, in Peter’s tight embrace, and tried to catch his breath. After a couple of minutes, Balthazar felt his shoulders relax, and his lungs filling with air. His chest slowly loosened up as he listened to Peter’s breath, feeling his chest steadily rise and fall against his own. 

Once Balthazar was breathing properly, Peter walked him back a couple of steps. 

‘Here, there’s a chair behind you, sit down,’ he said, and Balthazar let him sit him down, resting his head in his hands when Peter let go of him. He was still crying, but it was that sort of crying where it’s just tears rolling down your face. 

He could hear Peter shuffle about, could hear the kettle boiling, and after a few minutes, Peter set down a mug of tea on the table beside him and pulled up a chair to sit in front of him. 

‘I’m sorry about hugging you. Or I’m not really; I heard from somewhere that when someone is having a… well, when someone is freaking out like you were, you should hug them and have them listen to your breathing. It might have been _Grey’s Anatomy_ , now I think about it. Anyway, I’m sorry because you explicitly told me not to touch you a few weeks back. So yeah. I’m sorry for touching you when I knew you didn’t want it,’ Peter said. 

Balthazar had kept his eyes on his hands in his lap during Peter’s entire speech. As Peter was apologising, George leapt up onto Balthazar’s lap and nudged his hand with his head, demanding to be pet. 

‘It’s fine,’ Balthazar said, stroking George’s back, the cat purring. ‘Thanks. For, you know… calming me down. There isn’t usually anyone around when this happens so yeah. Thanks.’

‘So it’s happened before?’ Peter asked quietly when Balthazar had taken a sip of his tea. He wiped his face, embarrassed to have had Peter see him like that. 

‘A couple of times. It was worse during exams last year, though,’ Balthazar mumbled, looking into his mug, one hand still petting George. 

‘Fuck, Balth,’ Peter said, blowing out a breath, running his fingers through his hair. They sat in silence for a moment while Balthazar let Peter process. ‘You know, I’ve been seeing this therapist for a while, for my depression, and… I mean, I have her business card in my wallet. I can leave it for you, if you want. There’s a phone number, and an email address in case you have trouble with phone calls. You don’t have to use it, but she’s seriously helped me, and I think you need to talk to a professional about this. And she’s, like, connected to the university so it’s free for students.’

Balthazar frowned into his mug. He’d never considered whether he needed therapy. He knew his freak outs were a bad thing, but because he’d always been alone when they’d happened, it was a little daunting to have someone take it so seriously. He looked up to meet Peter’s eyes. He had a worried frown on his face.

‘Okay,’ Balthazar whispered and gave a nod, which Peter returned. 

‘Okay,’ Peter repeated and took a deep breath. ‘Now, how about we take a break from the paper and watch some _Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt_?’

‘But we’ll get behin-‘ Balthazar said, feeling the anxiety rising in him again.

‘We can catch up what we don’t get done today, that’s why we put in a few buffer days, right? Right now, you need a break. I would suggest we go out and get a drink, but…’ Peter said with a sympathetic smile, and Balthazar huffed out a laugh. Yeah, he was not up for going out right now. 

-

Half an hour later, Balthazar and Peter were seated on Balthazar’s bed with a bowl of popcorn between them and Balthazar’s laptop, playing _Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt_ , in front of them. Peter had suggested they watch it in the kitchen, but Balthazar had waved him off with the reasoning that sitting on the bed was a lot more comfortable. 

Balthazar had not thought it through, though, because now all he could think about was the fact that Peter was seated on his bed, close enough for their shoulders to be touching. It was confusing, and he didn’t know what to feel. On one hand, his upper arm was tingling at the touch, but the image of Peter and him in the same bed, as beautiful as it was, brought back some stuff that he’d rather forget. 

All the way through the first episode, this was all Balthazar thought about, and he tried to figure out how to appear relaxed, when he was anything but. 

And then the theme song started playing on the second episode, and Peter started singing along, horribly out of tune, and Balthazar burst into laughter. Balthazar’s laughter seemed to encourage him, because he only raised the volume of his voice, and Balthazar started pelting him with popcorn to get him to stop. 

‘Oh no, you know popcorn is my biggest weakness. I’m dying!’ Peter exclaimed dramatically, and pretended to swoon. 

‘You are horrible, I can’t believe they let you sing in that play,’ Balthazar remarked, aiming for Peter’s forehead. The popcorn landed in his hair. 

‘Well, at least I have better aim than you,’ Peter said, shooting back and hitting Balthazar’s chin. 

Balthazar laughed, grabbed the bowl, and continued to shoot popcorn at Peter. When Peter reached for the bowl, Balthazar held it out of reach, resulting in Peter being very close to him. Peter seemed to notice this too, because he gave up his quest to get the bowl, and for a moment they just looked at each other. 

When Peter started to, slowly, lean in, Balthazar let himself close his eyes in anticipation for a second. But as soon as he did so, images of that night in Norway and the morning after appeared before him, and his heart clenched. 

‘Pete,’ he whispered. He opened his eyes to see that Peter had stopped, a pained frown on his face, his eyes still closed. Then he looked down and pulled away. 

‘I’m sorry.’ 

‘No, you don’t have to apologise,’ Balthazar said, hating to know that he’d caused that expression on Peter’s face. ‘It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just… I’m not ready.’

‘No, I know,’ Peter said, and then let out a humourless laugh. ‘I really need to work on that self-control thing.’

Balthazar looked down at his hands which were fiddling with his sleeves. Peter took a deep breath. 

‘It’s okay, though. I can wait for you to be ready,’ he said, and Balthazar’s pulse sped up. 

‘Pete, you don’t have to wait f-‘

‘I will, though. I’ll wait for as long as I have to, even if that’s forever,’ Peter said, looking him in the eyes. He took another deep breath. ‘Because I’m in love with you.’

Balthazar’s stomach swooped, and his breathing hitched. ‘You-‘

‘I think I have been since the first time I saw you. Or at least, since that day in the lounge. And I know I fucked up, and I have no one to blame but myself, and I’m extremely lucky that you’re even willing to be friends, but yeah. I’m in love with you. So I’ll wait for as long as it takes for you to be ready.’

While he’d been talking, Peter’s mouth had curled into a fond smile, and Balthazar had melted a little bit inside. 

‘I’m in love with you too,’ he whispered before he could prevent himself from doing so. ‘I just need a little more time.’

Peter looked like he was trying to suppress his smile, but was doing a terrible job. ‘Take as much time as you need. This is enough, for now. Just promise me one thing.’

‘What?’ Balthazar asked. 

‘Promise me you’ll tell me as soon as you’re ready,’ Peter said, his eyes flickering to Balthazar’s lips for a second before he looked back up to Balthazar’s eyes. 

Balthazar nodded and let out a small smile before turning his head, his attention turned on the laptop. He could feel Peter’s eyes on him for another few seconds before he too returned his attention to the screen.


	8. The Clearing of the Air

There was a new ease in the way Peter and Balthazar interacted after that night. It was still really confusing, and Balthazar still didn’t completely trust Peter, but he didn’t have to dissect every single look that Peter gave him. Peter’s behaviour paired with his declaration of love that night convinced Balthazar that he must have some kind of romantic feelings for him; he didn’t think Peter would lie about that. But the fear that he’d run away again as soon as Balthazar was ready, was still very present in Balthazar’s mind. 

That said, he did very much enjoy when he caught Peter staring at him only to get all flustered when he found out he’d been caught, and the way Peter always seemed to be checking up on him. 

Peter was good at making Balthazar take breaks when they were writing their paper, taking him for walks or suggesting they watch an episode of something on Netflix. He showed Balthazar that it was okay to not work constantly, and that it actually made their work better that they got some time to think about something else.

After they’d handed in their paper – which both of them felt really good about – and they didn’t see each other as much as before, Balthazar got check-up texts from Peter at least once a day, making sure he was doing okay and whether he needed some kind of stress relief. Sometimes he took him up on that even if he didn’t strictly need it.

In return, Balthazar made sure to try and cheer Peter up whenever he was having a bad day. He took Peter for coffee or walks, and they talked a lot – about their respective families and friends, about work, and about school. At first it was something Balthazar did to repay Peter for always checking up on him, but as time passed, Balthazar started enjoying it more and more. They slipped back into the easy kind of conversation that they’d had in Norway, and he found himself wanting to make sure that Peter was all good. 

The day after he’d freaked out in front of Peter, Balthazar had found the business card that Peter had left for his therapist on his desk. He’d woken up only an hour earlier and had been nursing a cup of coffee, and thought he’d get cracking on his music theory assignment when he’d seen it, laid on top of his laptop. 

He’d picked it up and stared at it for a few minutes. Did he actually need it? He was doing fine in that moment and Peter had done a great job at calming him down the day before. But Peter had also said that it was serious, and it _had_ happened a lot during exams in the spring. 

He’d sat down, opening his laptop, and written her an email. He could go once, and if he didn’t need it, then that was that. Besides, his freak outs shouldn’t be Peter’s responsibility to deal with. They really shouldn’t happen at all. 

The following week, he’d gone to the therapist’s office for his appointment. It had been difficult and strange, talking to a stranger about his feelings and fears, but she was nice and patient so it wasn’t all that bad. By the end of the appointment, she’d set him up with another one for a few days later. 

He ended up going twice a week for the next month, working through his sources of anxiety slowly but surely. It didn’t make it go away – she’d told him it would probably never completely go away – but she gave him some tools to manage it. 

They’d been working through his issues with love one day, talking about his nasty break up with Damien, when she asked if he’d been seeing anyone lately. 

‘Um… I wouldn’t call it… I don’t know,’ he mumbled, pulling his sleeves over his hands. ‘It’s complicated.’

‘You don’t have to talk about it today if you don’t feel up to it – we’ve covered a lot of ground today already – but you can if you want to,’ she said, a calming smile on her face. 

Balthazar heaved a deep sigh. And then he told her the whole story. It would come out eventually, he supposed. It was different telling the story to a therapist as opposed to a friend. He wasn’t exactly sure _why_ , but it was. He ended the story with the almost-kiss.

‘I just don’t know what’s wrong. I want to be with him, but every time we get close, my mind just sends me right back to January,’ he said. 

‘You said that you still had some things you didn’t get an answer for when the two of you talked about what happened, right?’ she asked, and Balthazar nodded. ‘Maybe the first step is to ask those questions.’

-

After they’d handed in their paper, Peter had suggested that they form a sort of study group, since studying together had worked so well. One day, they were in Peter’s flat, alone, sitting by the table in the common room. Balthazar was coming out of the kitchen with tea for both of them, when he took a deep breath, having prepared himself while making the tea. He’d been waiting for the right moment to ask, but he was realising now that there was no right moment, and that he might as well just get it over with. 

‘So I started seeing that therapist you recommended,’ Balthazar said, setting a mug of tea down on the table for them each and sitting down in his seat. ‘She’s really good.’

‘Right? I swear, if it wasn’t for her I’d for sure be taking up day drinking by now,’ Peter said, briefly looking up from his text book, before returning his attention to the material. 

‘Yeah, she’s amazing. She gave me a bunch of exercises to do whenever I’m feeling anxious,’ Balthazar said, pulling his sleeves over his hands. ‘Um, she also suggested I talk to you.’

‘Yeah? About what?’ Peter asked, taking a sip of his tea, putting down his pen, signalling that Balthazar had his full attention. 

‘About… well, Norway,’ Balthazar said nervously and looked down into his tea. 

‘I- um, I thought- we already talked about Norway, didn’t we?’ Peter asked. Balthazar could hear how uncomfortable he was. He was trying to hide the fear in his voice, Balthazar was sure of it, but it still bled through.

‘No, we did, it’s just…’ Balthazar said, frowning down at his notes. He really didn’t want to have this conversation. But he needed it. ‘I guess I still have a few questions about what happened.’

He looked up to see Peter run his hand through his hair, blowing out a breath. Balthazar was chewing on his lower lip. 

‘Okay, shoot,’ Peter said, clearly trying to sound casual, but Balthazar could hear the nerves bleed into his voice. 

‘Um, okay,’ Balthazar said, shifting in his seat, steeling himself. _He’s already told you he’s in love with you. The answers can’t be that bad. Unless he was lying, which he almost definitely wasn’t_. ‘Why did you wait until the last minute to even think about starting the conversation about what was going to happen after you left? Like, you had so many opportunities, so why did you not do it sooner?’

Peter frowned, refusing to meet Balthazar’s eyes. ‘I don’t know. I got so wrapped up in what was happening. And I thought I knew how that conversation was going to end. Like, it didn’t even matter whether we both wanted it after I left, because I was convinced you lived there, and I just couldn’t have that kind of long distance relationship. I guess I just didn’t want to ruin the magic of it all.’

‘Okay,’ Balthazar said, considering what Peter had just told him. His stomach fluttered a little at the fact that Peter had thought what they had in Norway had been magical. ‘But I don’t understand how you got so convinced that I lived there, though.’

Peter sighed and scrubbed his hands over his face. ‘I mean, you seemed so at home there; you speak Norwegian, you didn’t mention your friends or your life here. I don’t know, I just felt like I had enough evidence to not need you to tell me. And I think I was scared that you’d just confirm that you _did_ live there, but still wanted a relationship, and then I’d have to break your heart to your face, so I just… didn’t ask. And I know that it would have saved me – us – a lot of trouble if I’d not been such a coward, but there you go. Besides, you didn’t bring it up either.’

They were silent for a moment, while Balthazar processed. ‘No I didn’t. I’m not going to pretend that that miscommunication wasn’t partly my fault, but in all fairness, I didn’t know _when_ you were leaving, because you never told me. I suppose I could’ve just asked, but honestly I’d completely forgotten that you weren’t going to be there as long as I was, so I thought we had more time. It seems stupid now, but I did.’

‘Hmm,’ Peter hummed. ‘I kind of thought that you sleeping with me was your way of saying goodbye. Because… no, forget it.’

‘No, say what you were going to say,’ Balthazar prompted him, looking up at him. 

‘At the party, when we were at the bar, and you told me about who the other instructors had a fling with, I asked you who you had a fling with, and you said that it was me. It… I mean, it sounded like you just thought of us as that,’ Peter said, his face having almost shut down completely. Balthazar had a hard time reading his body language, but his voice was full of pain. 

Despite himself, Balthazar let out a small laugh. Peter looked at him with a frown. ‘No, I’m not laughing at you. It’s just… when I said that, it was meant to be a funny little joke. Because I wanted you to be my boyfriend. So in my head it was this cute thing to say, but I can see how it may have come across differently. I’m sorry.’

A beat.

‘You wanted me to be your boyfriend?’ Peter asked with a small smile. 

Balthazar threw his pen at him. ‘Of course I did, you idiot.’

Peter looked like he was trying to hide his smile, but it still poked through as he threw the pen back. Then he seemed to sober up and cleared his throat. ‘Anything else?’

‘Yeah.’ Balthazar took a deep breath. This was the question that had played on his mind ever since their conversation after the Never Have I Ever game. ‘When we talked about this last time, you said that you’d regretted leaving without a word ever since you stepped out of the room. But you didn’t text or call or even, like, knock to be let in again – if you actually regretted it the literal moment you stepped out. Why?’

‘I thought about it. I thought about it a lot. But I was terrified you’d hate me – which you did, remember? I don’t think I’ll ever forget the way you looked at me outside the theatre building the day we met again; it was like you wanted me to, like, burn in hell or something. And the other option was that you’d just agree,’ Peter said, picking at his nails. 

‘Agree?’ Balthazar asked, frowning in confusion.

‘Yeah, like, that it had just been a bit of fun, and that I’d been right in calling it off. I guess, I was scared that you’d expected me to do it, to bail on you like that. So contacting you seemed like it would just be a lose-lose thing, you know?’ Peter asked, still picking at his nails. 

‘Fair,’ Balthazar said. ‘I considered texting you when I’d just found it. The note, I mean. I had, like, a moment where I thought, “We can fix this”, you know? But then I thought I’d just make a fool of myself, so I just decided that you were a dick.’

‘I was,’ Peter said. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘Yeah, me too. I may have overreacted a bit, so I’m sorry about that. And thanks – for explaining,’ Balthazar said, sipping his tea with a small smile creeping onto his lips. It was nice to know that he hadn’t been the only one who’d freaked out about the two of them. 

‘Anytime. I hope it helped,’ Peter said, picking up his pen again.

‘It did.’

‘Since we’re talking about it, what did you do with the note?’ Peter asked carefully. 

‘I burned it,’ Balthazar said with a shrug. He could still see it shrivel up in the flames. 

‘You what?’

‘Dag thought it would be therapeutic for me. I think he might have gotten a little sick of all the songs I was writing being all sad and angry. We went down to the lounge, and I threw it into the fireplace. It was really anticlimactic and didn’t make me feel any better, but yeah,’ Balthazar explained. 

‘Wow,’ Peter said with wide eyes. ‘I don’t even remember what I wrote on it.’

‘I do,’ Balthazar said quickly. ‘I don’t think I’ll ever forget it, ironically.’

Peter frowned in confusion. ‘Why is that ironic?’

‘Because of what you wrote,’ Balthazar said, then sighed when Peter continued to look confused. ‘You wrote, “ _Thanks for last night, it was amazing. And thanks for the past few days. I’ll never forget it_ ”. So, you know, irony.’

Peter hummed. ‘I thought I’d written something really bad, but that’s kind of okay.’

‘It’s not so much _what_ you wrote as the fact that you left with no explanation,’ Balthazar said, pulling at his sleeves again. Then he took a deep breath. ‘But it’s in the past, right?’

‘Really?’ Peter asked, something like hope reflected in his eyes.

Balthazar smiled. ‘Yeah.’


	9. The Ex

‘How are rehearsals going?’ Balthazar asked Paige and Chelsey when they were eating dinner one day. He’d spent so much time studying, or with Peter, or in therapy that he hadn’t had the chance to really talk to them much. 

‘Really good! I actually think we’ll be ready for opening night this time,’ Paige said, and Chelsey laughed. 

‘You weren’t last time?’ Balthazar asked, vaguely remembering Paige stressing out over the music the day that he’d left for Auckland. 

‘Not even a little bit. We basically winged most of it because Costa had so many last minute changes. The fact that he’s written it himself this time makes it a lot easier,’ Paige told him. She got a mischievous smile on her face. ‘Peter’s been a lot happier, and texting a lot, lately. Does that have anything to do with you?’

‘We’ve been hanging out,’ Balthazar said, shrugging. He could feel his face heat up. 

‘Hanging out or _hanging out_?’ Chelsey asked with a cheeky smile, winking at him. 

‘Just hanging out,’ Balthazar said, rolling his eyes, but was unable to hide the small smile that crept up on him. The fear that Peter wouldn’t be completely committed was still plaguing him, but he could feel himself getting closer and closer to being ready to start something with him. Maybe it was because they’d only really hung out, just the two of them, but Balthazar’s bruised heart was telling him that Peter would pull the same stunt as he had before, if Balthazar gave in. He needed assurance that that was not the case. 

‘Right,’ Paige said, not sounding at all convinced. ‘Anyway, do you have anything on for tonight? We’ve been talking about going out.’

‘Where?’ Balthazar asked. 

‘Navarre’s always cheap and low on creeps,’ Chelsey said.

Balthazar snorted. ‘That sounds like the beginning of a bad musical number.’

-

A few hours later, Balthazar found himself seated by the bar at Navarre with Paige and Chelsey. Jaquie was working, and Balthazar found it very entertaining to see her fake smile fall as soon as she turned her back to a rude customer. Peter was working as well, and he was the one who came over to tend to them. 

‘What can I get you?’ he asked, smiling at them, and held Balthazar’s gaze just a second longer than was probably normal for “just friends” to do. 

‘Three ciders, please!’ Paige said, looking between Balthazar and Peter with a knowing smile. 

‘Three ciders coming right up!’ Peter said and left them to get their drinks. 

‘Are you sure there’s nothing other than platonic going on between you?’ Paige asked when Peter was out of earshot. 

‘Not yet,’ Balthazar said and smiled to himself. 

-

When Paige and Chelsey left, Balthazar decided to stay. Not because he didn’t want to leave the bar, but because Peter kept coming over to them all night, only leaving when he had to tend to a customer, and Peter was in the middle of defending his opinion that the words ‘chucked’ and ‘lobbed’ were very different. Balthazar didn’t much care about the topic, if he was honest, but he enjoyed debating with Peter. Besides, Peter got very cute when he was defending himself, so Balthazar didn’t have it in him to leave. 

The place got crowded and busy at one point, so Balthazar had to occupy himself by looking at his social media on his phone paired with watching Peter doing his job. He was wearing a black button-down that made him look damn good, and he’d folded his sleeves up to his elbow. 

Balthazar was admiring the ease with which Peter went from one customer to another, when a blonde girl sat down next to him. 

‘He’s quite the looker, huh?’ she asked, and it took a moment for Balthazar to realise that she was talking to him. 

‘Um, yeah, I guess,’ he said, not super comfortable with her. She had an air of trouble around her. 

‘Don’t bother with him, though. He’s all talk and hilariously bad in bed, so like. Save yourself the trouble,’ she said, sipping her drink. 

The thought of Peter sleeping with someone else made his chest feel tight. However, he wasn’t sure she was telling the truth; Balthazar knew for a fact that Peter was great in bed. He wasn’t going to tell her that, though.

‘So you two dated?’ he asked. He didn’t know much about Peter’s dating history, and he wasn’t even sure if what he’d heard was accurate. 

‘Briefly,’ she said, laughing. ‘He got really pathetic after a couple of weeks so I dumped him.’

‘What do you mean by pathetic?’ he asked, frowning in confusion.

‘He got all clingy and sappy.’ She shuddered. ‘And he got really boring; he just wanted to stay in every night. Can you believe that? Like, we met right here, and he thought I’d like staying at home watching fucking Netflix all night?’

Balthazar was about to reply with something about how some people like that, when Peter came over to them. 

‘So have y- Julie,’ he said, stopping in his tracks when he saw the girl beside Balthazar. His face fell into a scowl. ‘What are you doing here?’

Balthazar looked between the two of them. In Norway, Peter had told him the story of how he got his heart broken back in October by a girl named Julie, and how that had made him snap out of his self-hatred rampage. Balthazar had thought it had been a lie – a way to make Balthazar feel bad for him – but judging by the look on Peter’s face, the story had been true, and the girl sitting beside Balthazar was _that_ Julie.

‘Can’t I visit my favourite bar once in a while?’ Julie asked with a challenging look on her face. 

‘You can, technically, but I’d prefer if you didn’t. You see, I’ve been told that I can’t tell people to fuck off anymore, and you’re making that very difficult,’ Peter said with the amount of malice that Balthazar had used when he’d first spoken to Peter again. There was no doubt that this girl had deeply hurt Peter. 

‘Now, now, Peter. Is that any way to talk to the love of your life?’ Julie asked mockingly. 

Peter’s hands were in fists, and his breathing was fast. His eyes shot daggers. For a second, his eyes flickered to Balthazar, and Balthazar’s breath hitched. What did that mean? Did Peter just not want Balthazar to know that he’d considered Julie the love of his life once? Or could it possibly be that Peter thought of _Balthazar_ as the love of his life? Balthazar tried not to believe the latter; it would break his heart all over again if he started to believe it and it wasn’t true.

‘I’m not talking to the love of my life like that. I’m talking to my bitch of an ex like that,’ Peter said through gritted teeth. 

‘Pete,’ Balthazar said, putting a hand on his arm, trying to calm him down a little. You could practically see steam coming out of Peter’s ears. 

Peter looked down at the hand for a moment before looking into Balthazar’s eyes. It dawned on both of them that this was the first time Balthazar had voluntarily touched Peter since Norway, and Balthazar’s stomach fluttered. This was big. 

‘Oh, I see how it is,’ Julie said, looking between the two of them, and they both looked at her. Balthazar retracted his hand. ‘Well, I hope your boyfriend realises how pathetic you really are. See you never.’ Then she turned around in her seat, hopped off, and disappeared in the crowd. 

Balthazar looked back at Peter, not sure what to say. ‘Are you okay?’

‘I’ll be fine,’ Peter said, pinching the bridge of his nose.

‘So that was Julie? Ripped-out-your-heart-and-stomped-on-it Julie?’

‘Yep, that’s the one,’ Peter said, leaning hid elbows on the counter and letting out a deep breath. ‘I’m sorry you had to witness that.’

‘It’s okay. I’m sure I would have reacted more or less the same if it had been Damien. We didn’t exactly end on good terms,’ Balthazar said, finishing his drink. 

‘Thanks,’ Peter said with a small smile. ‘Hey, my shift’s over in, like, five minutes. Do you want me to walk you home?’

‘Do you think I’m not capable of walking home alone?’ Balthazar laughed to try and hide how happy it made him that Peter had asked. 

‘No, but your place is on the way to mine, and I would really like some company on my walk home,’ Peter said, pushing himself up. 

‘Oh, so it’s purely selfish reasons, then,’ Balthazar laughed, this time at Peter’s reasoning. 

‘Yep,’ Peter laughed, giving Balthazar one of those fond looks that never failed to make his stomach swoop. ‘So can I walk you home?’

‘I suppose so,’ Balthazar said with a smile. ‘Just let me go to the bathroom first.’

‘Okay, meet you outside?’ Peter asked, and Balthazar nodded before he turned around in his seat, hopped off the stool and went to the bathroom.

Five minutes later, Balthazar followed a group of people out the door to find Peter standing with his back to Balthazar, and a girl very clearly coming on to him. 

‘How about we go back to my place?’ the girl asked, and Balthazar’s stomach was suddenly in knots. Peter didn’t know he was seeing this. What if he went with her?

‘Look, I’m flattered, really. But I’m afraid my heart belongs to someone else,’ Peter said, gently removing the hand the girl had placed on his biceps. Balthazar’s pulse sped up.

‘I’m not asking for your heart, mate,’ the girl laughed, stepping closer to him. He stepped back.

‘Doesn’t matter. He’s the only one I want,’ Peter said, and Balthazar’s heart melted. There it was. Proof that Peter was committed. 

‘Oh man, you’re gay?!’ the girl said, a disappointed look on her face. 

‘Nah, I’m bi. And you seem nice, but I’m just not interested. Sorry,’ Peter said, shrugging.

The girl shot him an offended look and said, ‘Whatever,’ before walking past him and toward the door, which Balthazar was standing beside. 

Balthazar snapped out of his love-daze and walked up to Peter. ‘You ready to go?’

Peter smiled at him. ‘Yeah.’

-

‘No way! There’s no way you haven’t seen _Buffy_! What’s wrong with you?’ Balthazar asked, laughing. 

‘What do you mean? Is there some rule that says that you have to see _Buffy_ to be a real human being?’ Peter asked, laughing as well. They weren’t holding hands, but their hands kept bumping together as they walked side by side, sending tingles up Balthazar’s arm every time. He knew Peter was waiting for him to take initiative, but he had to admit that he was scared to make the first move. 

‘Um, yes, there is. It’s written in the Big Book of Rules. You can find it yourself if you like. It’s at the library,’ Balthazar joked, making Peter crack. 

‘Okay then, I guess you could call me a rule breaker,’ Peter said when he'd calmed down, bumping his shoulder against Balthazar’s. 

‘We’re marathoning _Buffy_ after exams are over,’ Balthazar declared when they reached the door to his flat and stopped. 

‘Oh, I see how it is; you’re the big boss-man now, huh?’ Peter said with a smile, wetting his lips. The action was one that he did fairly frequently, especially around Balthazar, but right now it was hard for Balthazar to tear his eyes away. 

‘Yeah, I am,’ Balthazar said, raising his eyebrows to challenge Peter to protest. 

‘I guess I’m okay with that, then,’ Peter said with a fond smile. 

Balthazar rolled his eyes at him, but couldn’t help but smile. Then he stood up on his tip-toes and kissed Peter’s cheek. It was a small gesture compared to what Balthazar wanted to do, but it was all he could manage that night. He didn’t want to do anything he might regret when he’d finished processing what he’d witnessed outside the bar. But he wanted Peter to know that they were closer than before, to something happening. 

‘Goodnight, Pete,’ he said, unlocking his door. He glanced at Peter before he closed the door behind him, to find him beaming at him. 

‘Night, Balthy.’


	10. The Play

Balthazar:  
 _Tonight’s the night! Are you doing okay? How are you feeling on a scale of 1-10?_

Peter from the bar:  
 _First of all, I am always a 10 #nochill_  
 _Second, I’m so nervous I might shit myself on stage._

Balthazar:  
 _Ew, please don’t do that._

Peter from the bar:  
 _Okay, I won’t. Just for you._

Balthazar:  
 _My hero._

Peter from the bar:  
 _How’re Paige and Chels doing?_

Balthazar:  
 _Chels is currently doing yoga with George. It’s a sight to behold._  
 _Paige has been going over the music all morning. I’ve offered to help but she won’t let me._

Peter from the bar:  
 _Cat yoga! I want to see that! Could you like send me a video or something?_

Balthazar:  
 _I’m not going to record my friends for your entertainment._

Peter from the bar:  
 _Spoilsport._  
 _You’re coming tonight, right?_

Balthazar:   
_Of course I am, you idiot._

Peter from the bar:  
 _Good._  
 _Can’t wait to hear what you think. Hopefully I won’t suck completely._

Balthazar:  
 _You’re going to be brilliant no matter what, I know it._

Balthazar got up to wash off his plate after eating breakfast. It was the day the play opened, and he was oddly nervous on behalf of his friends. He hadn’t seen Peter since they’d walked home from Navarre Bar a few days earlier, and he was itching to see him again. 

Peter had been busy with back-to-back rehearsals, and Balthazar had spent his time revising for exams which were coming up. They’d been texting pretty much constantly, though. 

Balthazar had spent a long time before falling asleep that night, after seeing Peter reject that girl outside the bar, thinking about Peter’s words. 

_My heart belongs to someone else._

The fondness in his voice as he’d said that made the butterflies in Balthazar’s stomach run riot every time he thought about it. 

_He’s the only one I want._

He felt like his heart was going to burst. And those two sentences paired with that little glance in his direction when Julie had talked about ‘the love of your life’, made Balthazar 100 % sure. He wanted this. He was ready for it. And he was going to tell Peter tonight. 

It wasn’t exactly something he wanted to say over the phone or text, and he didn’t want it to be rushed either. He wanted it to be perfect, he wanted it to be romantic. 

So maybe that had something to do with him being nervous about the play. Because at some point after the performance, Balthazar was going to tell Peter that he was ready. 

‘Could you get me one too?’ Paige asked, plopping down by the kitchen table as Balthazar was making himself his second cup of tea for the day. 

‘Sure,’ he said and made her one. Then he sat down across from her where he had one of his music theory books in front of him. ‘You doing okay?’

‘Yeah, it’s just a bit of pre-show nerves. And you?’ Paige asked, looking between Balthazar and the book. 

‘I’m good. I haven’t reached an alarming stress level yet, so that’s good. Besides, between Pete studying history with me and my therapist’s exercises, I think I’ll handle it better this year than I did last year,’ Balthazar said, sipping his tea. 

Paige snorted. ‘You can hardly handle it worse than you did last year. But I’m glad you’re doing better. Pete seems to be really good for you.’

Balthazar could feel his cheeks heat up and looked down at his book to hide his smile. ‘Yeah, he’s pretty great.’

‘Good for you. It’s nice to see you happy,’ she said, reaching across the table to take his hand, and gave it a little squeeze. 

-

‘Balthazar!’ Kit called when Balthazar entered the auditorium-turned-theatre that night. Kit and Freddie were sitting in the third row, and Kit waved to signal that he’d saved Balthazar a seat. ‘How are you doing, man?’

‘Yeah, good. Hi Freds,’ Balthazar said, giving both of them a hug before sitting down on Kit’s left. ‘How about you?’

‘Oh, you know me. Everything’s going great as long as everyone’s good,’ Kit said with a smile, and Balthazar could see that he squeezed Freddie’s hand. He leaned in and whispered to Balthazar: ‘She’s starting to stress about exams.’

‘Hey, it’s perfectly reasonable to start worrying about exams now!’ Freddie protested, clearly having heard what Kit had said. ‘Don’t you agree, Balth?’

‘I mean, I’ve started revising, but I’m not stressing just yet,’ Balthazar said with a shrug. 

‘Hey, that’s progress from last year!’ Kit said and high-fived him. 

Before they could say any more, the lights were turned off, and the curtains were drawn to signal the start of the play. Balthazar couldn’t hide his wide smile as Peter entered the stage and delivered his first line. 

The way Peter got into character, and the fact that he was _good_ , made Balthazar fall further in love than he already was, and part of him wanted to just storm up on stage and kiss him then and there. He settled for clapping loudly at the end of each scene, though. 

What really got Balthazar about Peter’s acting was how _passionate_ he was. It was so clear that he was having the time of his life on that stage; that he lived and _breathed_ for what he was doing in the two hours that the show was going. Not to mention that Balthazar was really impressed with Peter’s singing voice – he’d heard him sing before, but this was the first time Peter had taken it seriously in front of him – and couldn’t help but beam during his entire song. 

When the cast came out at the end to take their final bows, Balthazar was the first member of the audience to stand up. Yes, the play in its whole had been a clusterfuck of moments, and the overarching theme was lost on him, but his friends had performed amazingly, and he was damn well going to show how proud he was of them. 

The wait after the show was possibly the longest ten minutes in Balthazar’s life. He knew that they’d have to get out of costume and possibly want to wash off their make-up, but Balthazar didn’t much care about that. He needed to see Peter; he didn’t know how much longer he could wait. His heart was pounding in his chest, and he couldn’t keep his hands still. He stood there, with Freddie and Kit, tapping out a rhythm on his thighs, and looked toward the door, which Peter and the others would come out of any minute, every few seconds. 

His stomach swooped when the door opened, but he was ashamed to admit, that he was disappointed to see Paige and Chelsey. Still, he went over to them and hugged them. 

‘Did you like it?’ Chelsey asked when she pulled away from her hug. 

‘It’s okay if you want to wait until we’re home to give us your honest opinion,’ Paige laughed when Balthazar had a hard time finding the right words. 

‘I loved the music. The music was my favourite part,’ Balthazar said, giving Paige’s upper arm a squeeze. He knew how hard she’d worked on it, and it was genuinely great. 

‘I’m sure it’s a close second. I think your favourite part just walked into the room,’ Paige said, nodding at something over Balthazar’s shoulder. 

Balthazar turned around to see Peter talking to Freddie and Kit, and it was like everything else disappeared. All sound was sort of muffled, and his vision could only focus on Peter. He made his way over to him as fast as he could. 

Peter saw him when he was a few paces away and smiled widely, starting to say something, but Balthazar just went up to him and pulled him in, pressing his lips against Peter’s, arms around his neck. 

It took a second for Peter to respond, but when he did, his arms wrapped around Balthazar’s waist, pulling him close, kissing him back with no abandon. 

Since January, Balthazar had worried that he’d built up how good kissing Peter was in his head. He’d had so much time to exaggerate how good Peter was, how good the feeling of Peter’s lips against his own was. Now, though, he realised that he might have downplayed it. It might be because they’d taken it slow this time, and it might be because Balthazar was 100 % sure that they were both on the same page, but kissing Peter was so much better than he remembered. 

From the moments their lips touched, it was like something shifted in Balthazar, clicking into place. This was right. This was what he was supposed to do; this was who he was supposed to be with. Peter understood him; he’d proven that time and time again. And sure, they’d had their problems, and Balthazar probably wasn’t going to ever get completely over what had happened in Norway, but he forgave Peter because he’d proven that he regretted it and knew how stupid that had been. 

And they would probably have more problems in the future, but Balthazar was more than willing to work on that if it meant that he could be with Peter, loving him with no restraints and no reason not to. 

When they pulled away, they were both beaming, and Balthazar bit his lower lip and opened his eyes to look into Peter’s. 

‘So I take it you liked the play?’ Peter asked after a few moments of just smiling, arms still wrapped around each other. 

‘I loved it,’ Balthazar said and kissed him again. 

-

Balthazar woke up to fingers running through his hair. It was a strange feeling, but he kind of liked it. When the night before came back to him, a lazy smile spread on his lips. 

‘Mmh,’ he mumbled sleepily before opening his eyes to see Peter smiling at him. ‘Good morning.’

‘Good morning yourself,’ Peter said, continuing to run his fingers though Balthazar’s hair. 

‘That feels nice,’ Balthazar said and yawned, closing his eyes again. 

‘Yeah?’ Peter asked. He stopped running his fingers through Balthazar’s hair, and Balthazar was about to protest when he felt Peter scooting closer followed by the feeling of Peter’s lips pressed against his shoulder. ‘How about that?’

‘That’s good too,’ Balthazar mumbled with a smile. ‘Better, actually.’

‘Better do it again, then,’ Peter said and started trailing kisses up Balthazar’s shoulder, neck, and jaw before planting a sweet kiss on his lips. 

Balthazar chuckled against Peter’s lips. ‘You said that after our first kiss, too.’

‘Did I? Huh,’ Peter said and kissed him again. 

‘Yeah. You did,’ Balthazar said, opening his eyes again, and looked at Peter. ‘But you probably hit your head too hard to remember much from that day.’

‘I remember the important parts, though,’ Peter said. He was lying half on top of Balthazar, tracing his fingertips lightly across Balthazar’s lips. ‘Most importantly, I remember you putting your hand over my mouth so that I wouldn’t scare a fox.’

‘Listen, when you’re in nature, you respect it,’ Balthazar said and raised his eyebrows to underline his point. 

‘Alright, if you say so,’ Peter said and started running his fingers through Balthazar’s hair again. 

For a moment, Balthazar just enjoyed the moment. If only he’d been ready for this sooner; if only he’d taken a risk instead of playing it safe with his heart, he could have had this so much sooner.

‘I’m sorry,’ he whispered, looking into Peter’s eyes. 

Peter frowned in confusion. ‘For what?’ 

‘For taking so long. I feel bad for making you wait all that t-‘

‘Balthazar, I told you; I’d wait for you forever,’ Peter said with a fond smile.

‘You shouldn’t have to, though. You’ve been nothing short of amazing, and I made you wait because of one little thing that you did wrong. I don’t understand why you’ve been so nice about the way I’ve treated you,’ Balthazar said, studying Peter’s face. 

Peter sighed and looked down. ‘I hurt you.’

‘Well, yes, but it was partially my own fault, right? It takes two for miscommunication to happen. And if I hadn’t been so scared… I haven’t been fair to you, and I’m really sorry about that.’ 

Peter looked him in the eyes, searching for something. Then a soft smile crept up on his face. ‘Okay. Maybe you haven’t been fair to me. I forgive you though.’

‘Why?’ Balthazar asked, not understanding why this amazing guy wanted to be with him even after all he put him through. 

‘Because I can see that you’re genuinely sorry. And because I’m in love with you,’ Peter said, smiling at the last part, and leaned down for a kiss. 

‘I really don’t deserve you,’ Balthazar said, a fond smile on his face, when Peter pulled away again. 

‘Look, we both made some mistakes. What do you say we put them behind us and start fresh?’ Peter asked.

‘Yeah, I’d like that.’

‘And from now on we just talk to each other. No more assuming things, okay?’ Peter said, rubbing Balthazar’s ear, which was oddly comforting. 

‘Okay.’ Balthazar smiled up at Peter, who leaned down for another kiss.

‘Good. Now, I seem to remember you promising me pancakes if I stayed over last night,’ Peter said, making Balthazar laugh. 

‘Alright, I’ll make you pancakes,’ he said, pulling Peter down for another kiss. The kiss drew out, and Balthazar threaded his fingers through Peter’s hair as they kissed. When the kiss drew to a close, Balthazar chuckled. ‘You do know that we have to get out of bed in order for me to make you pancakes, right?’

‘What?!’ Peter asked, feigning chock. ‘You’re not a pancake magician?! I’ve been tricked!’

‘Sorry to disappoint,’ Balthazar laughed.

‘You better be,’ Peter joked, leaning down for a chaste kiss before rolling off Balthazar, making it possible for him to get out of bed. ‘Can I borrow a T-shirt? I’d rather not face Paige and Chels in last night’s clothes.’

Balthazar laughed. ‘They know you spent the night.’

‘Still.’

Balthazar shook his head at Peter, smiling to himself, and went to his chest of drawers, pulling out a Mumford & Sons T-shirt, and threw it to Peter.

Peter got out of bed and pulled the T-shirt over his head. Balthazar felt the butterflies in his gut stir. It was as if Peter borrowing his clothes made it official. 

‘What?’ Peter asked, looking at him suspiciously. 

‘You look really good in that,’ Balthazar said, wrapping his arms around Peter’s waist. 

‘In that case, I think I’m going to keep it,’ Peter said and kissed Balthazar’s lips, his hands running up Balthazar’s arms. 

‘Don’t you dare,’ Balthazar said when he pulled away. ‘It’s one of my favourites.’

Together, they made their way into the kitchen, where Balthazar began the process of making pancakes. Peter made them tea and overlooked Balthazar’s work.

‘You’re not flipping them right,’ Peter said when Balthazar was trying to flip the pancake on the pan. He put down his mug and came to stand behind Balthazar, putting his hands over Balthazar’s. ‘See? Like this.’

Balthazar was not at all paying attention to the pan anymore, though. He craned his neck so that he could see Peter’s face, not able to hide his smile. Peter looked at him, smiled back and kissed him sweetly on the lips. The kiss deepened, and as they were kissing, Peter put down the pan, and Balthazar turned his body so that it was facing Peter, his arms sliding up around his neck, and Peter’s arms wrapping around his waist. 

‘Wow there,’ Paige said, making them break apart. She was pulling down the tea bags from the cupboard. She was smiling, though. ‘Careful you don’t burn the innocent pancakes.’

Balthazar felt his face heat up, but the smile was not able to leave his face. He turned back to the pan, Peter’s arms still wrapped around his waist. He put one hand over Peter’s lower arm, caressing it with his thumb.

When Paige had made herself and Chelsey a cup of tea, she disappeared back into their bedroom, leaving Balthazar and Peter alone in the kitchen again. 

‘Sorry about that,’ Peter said when she was gone. 

‘Nah, it’s fine. You wouldn’t believe the amount of times I’ve walked in on her and Chels making out. It’s only fair that I get payback now,’ Balthazar said with a laugh.


	11. The Epilogue

‘I can’t believe you talked me into this,’ Peter said, visibly shivering, as they walked into the lobby. He’d been complaining about the cold since they’d left the airport, but Balthazar refused to get annoyed; it was his own fault for packing his outerwear into his suitcase instead of bringing it on the plane. 

‘Hey, you were the one who insisted on coming with me. You could have stayed home, you know,’ Balthazar laughed, shaking his head at Peter. 

‘Yeah, like I was going to spend my summer vacation sad and alone while my boyfriend’s halfway across the world having fun for a month and a half,’ Peter said, raising his eyebrows to underline his point. ‘Why does it have to be somewhere cold, though? Summer’s supposed to be hot!’

‘That’s the point, you idiot,’ Balthazar laughed and pushed Peter playfully. ‘It’s all about escaping the hellish heat of the New Zealand summer. Besides, it’s not summer here; it’s winter.’

‘I can’t believe I fell in love with someone who hates summer,’ Peter said, shaking his head, but a smile poked through as he looked at Balthazar. 

Balthazar’s stomach swooped. He still wasn’t used to hearing those words from Peter’s mouth. He knew it in his heart, but it was still special every single time Peter said it out loud – especially when they were out in public. 

‘Balthazar!’ the receptionist called from the desk. ‘So nice to see you again!’

‘You too, Vivian!’ Balthazar said and went up to the desk. ‘Please tell me they didn’t give me any shifts today; I almost died from exhaustion last year.’

‘No, your first shift isn’t until tomorrow afternoon,’ Vivian said, handing him a schedule. ‘And this is Peter, I presume?’

‘Yeah,’ Balthazar said, not able to hide his smile. 

‘Nice to meet you,’ Peter said, shaking Vivian’s hand. 

‘You too,’ Vivian said, handing him a schedule as well. ‘Your first shift is tomorrow afternoon as well.’

‘Great, thanks,’ Peter said and looked at his schedule.

Peter had gotten a job as a bartender at the hotel while they were staying there. It hadn’t been planned, exactly, but when Balthazar had been contacted by Dag – who was now in charge of the instructor staff at the hotel – to hear if he wanted to come back again for the summer/winter, he’d inquired as to whether Peter would be able to get a job if he came too. That way, the fare was paid for by the first few weeks’ worth of their pay. It wasn’t until he’d gotten confirmation that Peter could take shifts at the hotel bar if he wanted to come, that Balthazar had brought up going back to Norway for the summer to Peter. 

At first, Peter had been sceptical, which was understandable, since Balthazar chose not to lead with the fact that Peter could come. It had been nice to know that Peter was reluctant to let Balthazar leave for most of the summer, though. 

But when Balthazar had let on that he’d gotten Peter the opportunity to work if he came with, that was it, and the decision was made. Now here they were, two days before New Year’s Eve, in the lobby where Peter claimed to have seen Balthazar for the first time. 

Balthazar wasn’t convinced that this was true. He remembered meeting Bea and Ben there, but he thought for sure he’d remember if he’d seen Peter for the first time there, and he didn’t. Still, Peter stood his ground so Balthazar didn’t argue with him.

‘You’re in the same room as last year,’ Vivian told them and handed them both a key card. 

‘Thanks, see you later!’ Balthazar called as they started walking up the stairs. Both had a rather big suitcase each, and Balthazar had his guitar case as well, but they managed to haul them to the top of the stairs, regretting a little that they hadn’t taken the elevator. 

‘It’s weird being back,’ Peter commented as Balthazar was letting them into their room. ‘Brings back a lot of memories.’

‘Yeah,’ Balthazar said, setting down his suitcase and guitar case by the dresser, and looked around the room. He had mixed feelings about being in the same room as last year. It was his usual room, the one he’d stayed in since his first year working there, so he couldn’t blame the hotel for assuming he wanted it again this year. But last year’s events had it tainted with both amazing and horrible memories. He could clearly remember waking up that one morning to find Peter gone. Just looking at the pillow where the note had been stung a little, even if he knew that it wasn’t the same exact pillow. 

He took a deep breath. He was determined to not let those memories dominate his mind like they had for so long. He was in a committed relationship with Peter – had been for over seven months now – and he was happy. 

‘We’d better make sure to make some more good ones, then.’

He pressed a kiss to Peter’s lips while he slipped off his jacket, Peter’s arms wrapping around his waist as he kissed him back, deepening the kiss. 

‘I’d like that,’ Peter said with a fond smile when he pulled back, his hands having found their way up under Balthazar’s shirt, caressing his lower back. 

Balthazar wiggled his eyebrows, making Peter laugh while Balthazar pulled Peter's shirt over his head, kissing him passionately, and walking them to the bed, pushing Peter down onto it. He pulled his own shirt off before climbing on top of his boyfriend and pressed their lips together, before he started trailing kisses down Peter’s neck, clavicle, chest, and stomach, while he unbuttoned his jeans. 

-

Afterward, Balthazar was trying very hard not to fall asleep, but the jet lag paired with Peter’s fingers soothingly running up and down his arm, was making it difficult. 

‘It’s weird, isn’t it?’ Peter asked softly. 

Balthazar was trailing circles on Peter’s chest with his fingertips. ‘What is?’

‘We lived in the same city all our lives, then we went to the same university for a year without running into each other despite our friend groups overlapping in more places than one, and still it took both of us travelling halfway across the world to some ski resort in Norway for us to meet,’ Peter said, pressing a soft kiss to Balthazar’s forehead. ‘That’s weird.’

‘Hmm,’ Balthazar hummed. He’d never thought about it like that. A laugh escaped him as he realised something. ‘It’s almost like fate.’

Peter craned his neck to look at Balthazar. It was clear that he was trying not to laugh. ‘That is the single cheesiest thing you’ve ever said. I should know; I’m the cheesy one in this relationship.’

‘Huh, you must be rubbing off on me.’ He giggled when Peter poked him in the side. ‘Hey! I didn’t say it was a bad thing.’

‘Damn right it’s not a bad thing! I am delightful,’ Peter said, rolling over so that he was lying half on top of Balthazar, and kissed him. ‘I love you.’

Balthazar’s face broke into a huge grin, like it always did when he heard Peter say those words. ‘I love you too.’

‘Thank god for that,’ Peter said, leaning down for another kiss. When he pulled away, he looked around the room where their clothes were scattered on the floor. ‘I wonder if they still have my sweater here.’

‘The one you forgot here? Nah, I took it home,’ Balthazar said, not having thought about that sweater for a very long time. 

‘Balthazar Jones, are you telling me it’s been in Wellington this whole time?’ Peter asked, feigning offence. ‘And you didn’t tell me?!’

‘I forgot,’ Balthazar said, shrugging. ‘It’s probably at the back of my closet somewhere.’

‘I can’t believe you! That’s one of my favourite sweaters!’ Peter scolded, but a smile crept up on his face. 

‘If you loved it so much you shouldn’t have left it here,’ Balthazar said, only realising after he’d said it, that Peter might take it the wrong way, so he added, ‘We can look for it when we’ve moved into our new place.’

The decision to move in together had been fairly easy. Ever since getting together, they’d only spent a few nights apart, and that had been during winter break, when they’d both been visiting their families in Auckland. Even then they’d slept over at each other’s places, effectively meeting each other’s families. They started talking in the spring about potentially finding a place together in the new year, so when the lease to Paige, Chelsey, and Balthazar’s flat was up they’d had a flat meeting, deciding that Paige and Chelsey – and George, of course – would find a smaller place for themselves, and Balthazar would find a place with Peter. 

They’d found a cosy, little one-bedroom flat not far from campus and were due to move in by the time they got back from Norway, and Balthazar couldn’t wait. 

‘Yeah, alright,’ Peter said and kissed him again. Balthazar started running his hand up and down Peter’s back, the other one holding the side of his face. Peter ran a hand down Balthazar’s stomach, and they were just about to go for round two, when Balthazar’s phone rang. 

Peter rolled off him with a groan, and Balthazar couldn’t help but laugh at him as he went to get his phone from his jeans on the floor. 

‘Hello?’ Balthazar said as he answered the phone, laying back on the bed again. Peter started kissing his way up from Balthazar’s chest to his jaw. 

‘I hope I didn’t interrupt anything.’ It was Dag. Balthazar was kind of glad that he’d chosen to call instead of knocking on their door, despite him living in the same hallway. Now that he thought about it, that had probably been a very deliberate decision. 

‘You kind of did, but it’s okay. What’s up?’ he asked, threading his fingers through Peter’s hair, as Peter laid his head down with his face nuzzled into the crook of Balthazar’s neck. 

‘Well, myself and the other instructors are meeting down in the lounge in half an hour to say hi and get an image of the team for the next few months – there are a lot of new faces starting today, actually – and I wanted to give you a chance to join. You can bring Peter if you want,’ Dag said, and Balthazar frowned at how Dag had said the last part. 

His friends from the hotel who had witnessed what had happened last year had almost all accepted that Peter was now Balthazar’s boyfriend, but Dag was the hardest to convince. Granted, Dag had been closest to the drama and had the most information, but he’d also been the only one who’d been updated first about the events of the previous autumn. Somehow, Balthazar still hadn’t been able to fully convince him that Peter wasn’t going to bail and break his heart again. Hopefully their stay there this next one and a half month would do the trick.

Besides, it had long since become clear to Balthazar that he hadn’t exactly handled the whole thing well, and that he had to redeem himself just as much as Peter had. Peter, of course, denied that it was necessary, but Balthazar knew that he had been unfair in his treatment of Peter. 

‘Sure, we’ll be down soon,’ Balthazar said, laughing at Peter’s exasperated sigh.

‘Cool, see you,’ Dag said.

‘Yep, bye.’ Balthazar hung up the phone and put it on the bedside table. 

‘Please tell me you were forced to agree to that,’ Peter said, lifting his head to look at Balthazar. 

‘Um, no, I actually want to meet my co-workers before I start work tomorrow,’ Balthazar laughed and squirmed down so that their faces were even levelled. He scooted as close to Peter as possible, pressing their bodies together. ‘But we do have half an hour before we’re supposed to be down, and I wouldn’t mind terribly if we were a little late.’

As he was speaking, he ran his hand down Peter’s torso, holding his intense gaze. 

Peter’s lips curled into a smile, and he leaned in for a kiss. 

-

‘I know I said I wouldn’t mind being late, but this is just embarrassing,’ Balthazar sighed, shaking his head, as he and Peter made their way down the stairs to the lobby hand in hand, fingers intertwined. It was 20 minutes after the time that Dag had given Balthazar, and Peter had a goofy grin on his face. 

‘You’re the one who insisted on a shower,’ Peter grinned. 

‘Well, excuse me for not wanting to smell like airplane and sex when I meet my co-workers for the season. It’s not exactly the best first impression to make,’ Balthazar said, rolling his eyes at Peter. 

‘I’m just saying, we’d only be reasonably late if you hadn’t been so dead set on it,’ Peter said with a shrug. 

They went into the lounge, where Balthazar quickly spotted a few familiar faces besides Dag in a group gathered in the exact sofa group where Peter and Balthazar had had their first conversation. 

There wasn’t much space left to sit on, but Malin and Andreas scooted in their couch, making it possible for Peter to sit down, and Balthazar to sit down on his lap. 

‘How was your flight?’ Malin asked after all introductions had been made. ‘You must be so tired.’

‘Yeah, I slept a little on the way, but I still feel like it’s early morning after pulling an all-nighter,’ Balthazar said and yawned. ‘When did you get here?’

‘Yesterday. Let me tell you, as beautiful as a bus trip from Gothenburg to Oslo sounds, it’s not worth it if there’s a crying baby _and_ a barking dog,’ she said, rolling her eyes.

‘At least you weren’t on it from Copenhagen; I would’ve gone mad if I hadn’t had my iPod,’ Andreas said. ‘Anyway, I hope you’ve brought your guitar with you, Balth. It was so strange not to hear you playing when I walked in here today.’

‘Yeah, I brought it. Wouldn’t be able to be away from it for that long,’ Balthazar laughed, absentmindedly caressing the nape of Peter’s neck. Peter’s thumb was, in turn, caressing Balthazar’s thigh. 

‘How’s Meg? Will she be visiting again?’ Malin then asked Peter, and Balthazar felt a wave of relief wash over him. He’d been nervous about how his friends would treat Peter, despite having told him that they’d be nice. 

‘Nah, she’s busy with work. She said to tell you hi, though,’ Peter said.

As Peter carried on in easy conversation with Malin and Andreas, Balthazar just sat there, observing. It was odd to think about the fact that a year earlier he hadn’t even met Peter. What was even stranger to think about was that only 10 months ago, when he’d left the hotel last, he’d thought he wouldn’t be able to stand coming back. Yet here he sat, as happy as he’d ever been. 

Yes, he’d had his heart broken this year, but he’d also had it mended, and he was forever glad that he’d given Peter a chance to redeem himself of the one mistake he’d made when they’d last been at this hotel together. He was also truly grateful that Peter had been so good about the way Balthazar had treated him in the first few months that they’d known each other in Wellington.

And to think, his happiness was ultimately all down to the fact that his friends had told him to go talk to that cute guy at the bar during the scavenger hunt. 

‘What are you thinking about?’ Peter asked quietly when Malin and Andreas had gone to get them drinks. He pressed his nose to Balthazar’s cheek, making Balthazar chuckle. 

‘Just an idea for a song,’ Balthazar said with a small smile. 

‘Yeah? Is it about me?’ Peter joked, and Balthazar rolled his eyes but couldn’t keep the smile in. Peter knew full well that all of Balthazar’s songs, since they’d met, were about him, and it had become a running joke for him to ask whenever Balthazar mentioned being in the process of writing one.

‘Of course it is, you idiot,’ he said and pressed a soft kiss to Peter’s lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there it is. It's done. This is the end of this series.  
> This turned into a much bigger project than I'd initially planned - I was really close to scrapping it twice. 
> 
> Shout out to rumpelsnorcack for being my beta, and for calming me down when I freaked out halfway through. You're the best, and I don't know what I would've done without you! <3
> 
> And thank you for all the lovely comments; they mean the world to me!

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on tumblr @optimisticfairyprincess if you want to.


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